Wednesday, August 11, 2010

so very heavy

When the weight of all my dreams
Is resting heavy on my head,
And the thoughtful words of health and hope
Have all been nicely said.
But I'm still hurting,
Wondering if I'll ever be
The one I think I am.
I think I am....

Funny how dreams are heavy things.  We often times can only bear the weight of our dreams because  those that love us are manually holding our heads up for us.  Sometimes the weight bearing down from all sides means all we can see is the dirt under our feet, and there seems to be no hope that the sky above is blue and open and free.  

Yes, dreams are heavy.  I have dealt with my own heavy dreams - and been there for the dreams of others.  But for the moment I feel I am the only one doing the holding and it is a completely different kind of hard.  you see, I can see the sky.  I can see the road.  I can even see the end of the road where there is rest and peace and a place to lay the heavy head.  I can see the pain yes, I can see how hard it is.  But I can also see that how hard it is now, is nothing compared to how hard it will be in another mile...or ten.  So for now I walk.  Somehow - through all this, I am supposed to know when to keep holding and when to let go?  When to carry and when to simply walk alongside and make small little nudges to keep my charge as firmly on the path as I can.  And the big question; when do I stop walking?  Do I ever stop walking?  Is there ever a time when I give a hug, hand over the reigns and say "I love you, I will always be here.  But it is time for you to walk alone." How will I know?

Geneva moved out today.  We don't yet know if it is for good.  Her reasons to us sounded meaningless but I know they make sense to her.  Her reasons could be solved in one 10 minute conversation, a conversation that for some reason it did not even occur to her to have.   I don't understand.  Am I daft? Am I so comfortable with confrontation that I can not even wrap my mind around those that run from it at all cost - even the cost of their own life? Perhaps I am too comfortable and that is a bad thing.  Is avoiding it normal and I am the odd one?  Or am I 100% off the mark and there is more there that we are not aware of?  I suppose we shall see, we talked and she has until Friday to choose to move back in.  I love her so very much and I want to give her as good a chance as I possibly can.  But that means letting her go if I need too, though I hope I don't need too.  Perhaps I am exaggerating the situation. But I know she is safe here, and it is a lions den out there.  All she can see is the ground under her feet, and all she knows is that it gets worse then it already is.   I know there is sky and green ahead. But somehow, she can't hear that. It is up to her now.  Yes or no.  If she chooses no; that is a forever no.  We will not offer again. 

Thank you God for resting kids.  I feel sick to my stomach.  My heart is truly broken that she would just up and walk away.  Didn't we mean more to her?  Alright - I know that is not fair.  But the child in me has hurt feelings.  The dreams are getting heavier.  I have held them now for 3 months.  I will hold them for years to come if she asks.  But I can't do it without her help.  If she is running away I can't follow, my babies need me.  My babies need a whole mom.  I feel broken today.  God help me. God help me to do what is best.  God help me to say what is most helpful.  Speak through me and to me.  God, thank you that I can cry now and you are with me.  Thank you that I can be alone.  Thank you that when my babies wake I will be ok and have peace.  But for now?  Thank you for tears. 

Then you gently re-remind me
That you've made me from the first,
And the more I try to be the best
The more I get the worst.

And I realize the good in me,
Is only there because of who you are.

Who you are...

And all I ever have to be
Is what you've made me.
Any more or less would be a step
Out of your plan.

As you daily recreate me,
Help me always keep in mind
That I only have to do
What I can find.

And all I ever have to be
All I have to be
All I ever have to be
Is what you've made me.
- Amy Grant

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