I've lost myself I don't know where - I've lost myself oh dear, oh dear!
I remember the above poem from a child's nursery rhyme book I had growing up. Well, like the child in the poem, this small snippet is also lost. I don't know if the author of the book wrote it and we held the only copy or if it is just not popular....but google can't find it. Correction - couldn't find it. Just wait until I hit "publish post" then it will be on there! Perhaps the author of the poem will look for it, find this blog, contact me and we shall become fast friends! Err...ok maybe not.
The fact of the matter is, I have felt very lost for the past month or so. No real reason, which makes it all the more frustrating. I have pictured that book many times recently; next to the poem was a picture of a child hiding under a blanket. I have too often of late felt like that child. Hiding from something unknown. I can't seem to think, my jokes don't make sense. I have been forgetting things or just not listening and it has also been frustrating those around me. I will get annoyed at small things, have no patience and have felt drained of energy. I think a lot of this started when Geneva moved out. I was so heartbroken and it caught me so off guard that even though I logically know we did all we could, I still have that feeling like I failed miserably. That thought has made me unsure of all of my relationships. If I didn't know she was unhappy then what else am I missing? I start second guessing everyone around me, not trusting my instinct. But not trusting myself results in me not trusting others which makes me constantly on the defensive...and that is no way to live.
I claim 'found' because I am done. Sometimes, when my kids get emotionally out of control, instead of coddling what they need most is a hug, and in a strong firm voice for mom or dad to say: "That is enough, it is time to stop fussing now." Then they can stop. It is like they get so caught up in the moment that they can't get out of it. All they need is permission to let it go and they can. I believe God is saying the same to me. I have had my time of fussing. I need to stand up and look past the fog now. Usually, when I need a inward change what helps it along is some form of outside change. Sometimes that means re-arranging my house or a new haircut. Sometimes times that means cleaning something or planting some seeds in my garden. I walked around Michaels yesterday during my alone time. I was thinking of getting a book on painting and trying my hand at that. I used to spend hours as a child drawing. But sadly I have never been good at it. I loved it, but it was always so discouraging to spend hours on something only to see what my sisters could do in ten minutes was 100 times better then mine. I am not bemoaning, just stating a fact. I think I will start with organizing my cookbook. Anyone who has seen it shudders, papers shoved in there covered in spilt food. I think I will re-type my favorite recipes out and put them into a scrap book. I have one already actually. That way they are in plastic and can't be removed. Convenient as it is to have them on little cards that can be taken out and placed back in, I know myself. I take them out and lose them, or simply shove them back into the book so everything is out of order. They need to be stuck so they can't be lost.
I also need to plant my fall/winter garden. Any suggestions? We have picked 13 pumpkins so far ranging in size from 1-10lbs and there are more out there. Two more big ones (that I can see) at least 4 baby ones still growing and tons of flowers...not to mention the plants are healthy and there is more time for many many many more to grow! Here is about half of what I have picked. I am picking them mostly green now since they will get orange and it means there is less chance of losing them to rot (I have lost 2 so far) Ayla ran through the picture just as I was taking it:
I always have considered her to be rather blurry around the edges, the girl won't sit still!
Ryan looked at our living room the other day and said "You know what this room needs?" Here I thought he was going to spout off some decorating genius and his answer instead? "More pumpkins!" I think he was making fun of my pumpkins. I think the look very fall-ish!
I picked several huge zucchini today...want to see? THIS is what happens when I neglect my garden for 2 days:
As much as my situation is petty in comparison - this song has been in my head as I wrote today so I shall close with it:
Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.
May your pumpkins be orange and your zucchini's small and dainty. And may you have the strength to lift the blanket off of your head.