Monday, June 7, 2010

One day is not enough...

I am a very very blessed wife and mother.  I am bless in other ways too, but I put these specific blessings into those categories at the moment because of the particular blessing I get based on those jobs.

What blessing you ask?  Well, thanks to my wonderful amazing husband I get one night a week off.  I dash off on my own after dinner and spend a couple hours alone reading in a coffee shop, getting some shopping done all by myself or simply just walking around somewhere enjoying as much solitude as I can possibly muster.  The only requirement I have for this time is…have you guessed it?  It must be spent totally and completely alone.  No one else is invited, for a moment I take a breath and simply enjoy being by my self.   I need this.  And I am able to cope so much better day to day knowing it is coming.  Knowing that for at least two hours a week I will not have to break up fights, clean small behinds, play with blocks, do dishes, pick up toys, fold laundry, poor milk into cups, pull weeds, make beds or really DO anything.  I can simply be.  I can strip away the stresses of the here and now and live somewhere in the beyond.  Delicious! 

The second blessing I am so very very thankful for, is once a week my truly remarkable in-laws watch my children so my husband and I can go out on a date.  Now - I am going to be shameless for a moment.  I truly married my best friend.  We love just hanging out, talking, not talking, laughing, playing, working - it doesn't matter.  I am giddy at times with excitement waiting for Tuesday night to come.  I feel as if at least this one thing in our lives we have done very right – it has certainly taken work on both our parts, but it has been work we both have been dedicated to keeping up.   We have our times we have to talk things through - but we always do. 6 years married now, 10 years together and never have we let something simmer to the point of explosion. I really truly would rate my marriage at a 10.   I feel very very blessed in this.  K - done being shameless.   Life has been stressful lately.  There is no doubt of that.  I have been very very very overwhelmed (I think I need to stop using the word ‘very’) and since we depend so much on one another for strength to make it through I have decided - one day is not enough!  Now, I am not saying we need an extra date-night.  But lately we have been staying up way to late every night.  Funny, when you are apart all day it seems, at times, you need to re-introduce yourselves to one another every night.   That process sometimes involved words, and sometimes does not.  But it always takes time.  Time I very very much enjoy...but oh I am tired! So very tired (ok, I have a ‘very’ problem today.  I give up, feel free to ignore it if you must).  My husband is better at the whole lack of sleep thing then I am.  I need a solution!  I am not willing to give up my alone time; it is truly what keeps me sane. But it is getting harder to schedule. Especially since now, alone time HAS to be behind closed doors.  We can't put the kids down at 8pm and have dinner just us two, and simply hang out until bed.  We have from when we are ready to go into the room and close the door, to when we fall asleep.  So that often means our alone time doesn't even START until 9:30-10:00. The alarm goes off every morning at 6:00 and it is still a very rare night that one or both children are not awake for one reason or another.  This equals a wonderful wonderful marriage - and one tired mom! I don't think we can keep doing this, but I am not sure what the solution is.

I have been more stressed lately.  And it is showing physically.  I have gotten a weird lump feeling in my throat. It feels like I almost didn't swallow a pill or like I need to burp or cough but can't.   I thought at first it might be allergies or acid.  But now I am almost 100% sure it is stress.  It goes away when things are calm.  It was gone all day Saturday until I got into a mile long line at walmart that night and then it was back full force!  So please pray I can find a solution to handling my stress.  It has felt a little out of control lately.  All I can do it cry "help me" out to God when things are hard.  I can't even formulate the why or the how.  All I know is this needs to be under control for my kids, my family and me.  One of the things we are hoping will help us this week - we are going shopping for another truck.  Our little one is still not better, and no local shops will even take it because they don't know what to do for it.  It is time to look elsewhere.  So please, pray that we find one SOON.   A vehicle that can hold all of us (car seats and Geneva) would be so wonderful.  But we will also be happy with just something that can mean all five of us can go somewhere together, even if it means taking two cars.  Something Ryan can drive to work so that I can have the car during the day.  Something that will work that will not put us back into counting every cent in order to just get by.  Things have been easier financially lately - I don't want a $400 car payment that will kill us again.  Especially since our car will be paid off in just a couple months!  I admit - it seems lately everywhere we look there are couples with three cars.  Either they have two personal cars and a work car, or two practical ones and a "fun" car.  But either way it is two drivers and three cars.  We have three drivers and only one car!  Ok - that is not fair and I apologize.  I am not here to induce un-called for guilt.  We could technically afford another, we have chosen not to thus far because it is possible to work with just one and it saves money.  But it is getting harder and more stressful.  I guess at some point we have to ask if it is worth it.

So it is again a Monday.  My charge woke at 8:15 and was not happy with my greeting of informing her she was 15 minutes late to work.  We have made it very clear, that until she gets a job, her 40 hour a week "job" is finding one.  This means that sleeping in until who knows when is not acceptable or responsible behavior.  So we have a sullen presence in this house right now.  I fear a talk on attitude is soon to follow.  Please, would anyone like to take my place for a while?  I am working very very hard to keep this house a home at the moment - and it is taking more and more energy.  Graduation was only last Thursday; I fear this has only just begun!    This too will pass right?  In the meantime I am taking a deep breath and letting it out slow.  I CAN do this with God's help.

We are stranded at home today, so I can't go off anywhere. Though I am wishing the gym was within walking distance right now!  We played in the yard all morning today until it was too hot to be out there.  I think that is going to become our new every morning tradition.  Breakfast, then playing in the yard for as long as we can.  I do better with some real sun first thing in the morning and my kids do too.  And spending time with my garden is always nice.  We have a pumpkin plant that has trailed off by over 5 feet!  I love the little curly vines on it.  We are going to have pumpkins coming out our ears by the end of summer.  So fun!

I apologize - this is a rather stagnant post.  Mostly it is my own ramblings and frustrations, not even in the realm of entertainment.    But that is the purpose of a blog right?    So surrounded by job hunting, searching for a car and trying with all my might to fit time alone with my husband into the mix I leave you with a valuable thought:

Never underestimate the value of doing Nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can’t hear, and not bothering.        -Winnie The Pooh

 I think I need to spend some extra time not bothering today.  Perhaps the girls and I will "not bother" together.  I think Taylor would like that.  Especially since I am almost 100% positive that REAL "not bothering" involves a good deal of chocolate. 


2 comments:

  1. Praying for you today.
    Praying for Geneva today.
    Know that this is just a season and God is using you in big ways, even though it is tough.
    I AM PRAYING!!!

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  2. Sarah, I am sorry for the stress! I will be praying for you all today as well. God is faithful and will get you through this period.

    And I whole-heartedly hoped you found the time to not bother!

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