Monday, May 24, 2010

Stand...

It is 12:30am. I can't sleep. I'm not sure why...perhaps because tomorrow is Monday. Last week was really hard. I'll admit it, I don't want to do it all again. One of my earliest memories in life is being lonely. I have been lonely a lot. My friends have a funny habit of moving away. Eventually, every single one of them. I apologize, it is late. I am scattered in thought and mind.

Funny, we go through these periods in life - good ones, full of life and joy. Hard ones, where taking each step feels like the weight of the world is on us. They all have their purpose. I have been through many lonely periods. God has taught me a lot through these times. 6 months ago was a time of plenty, I wasn't lonely. But a few things have been shifted around since then. Now I sit here on a Sunday night knowing that tomorrow Monday starts. Starting tomorrow, aside from my date on Tuesday night I will scarcely see or talk to another grown-up until Friday.

Funny, some moms love their jobs. They love being home, playing with their kids. Learning as much as they can at every opportunity. They smile and say that this is "the most rewarding job ever" and that they wouldn't give it up for the world. It is enough. Some on the other hand, talk about how they are not cut-out to be a stay at home mom. That they would go stir crazy being home that long and that they are better parents when they are not there constantly. All too often I think I am the later. Please, don't miss-understand. I love my kids very much. I love playing, dancing to music and digging in the dirt together. But I am able to do this job only because I have a certain amount of experience being lonely. I give my fair amount of tears when the kids are down for rest and I can breath for a moment. I love my daughter, who always has a hug for me and will just sit holding my hand until I feel better.

I fill my week with as much as I can. But more often then not I have no car. I used to go on long walks, sometimes as much as 4 miles at a time. But I can't really do that here. I can't enjoy it anyhow - too many loose dogs and not enough sidewalks to feel really safe. That and the girls don't like the stroller anymore. Friends have been busy or sick lately. And funny how, lonely as I may be, sometimes I just don't have the energy to have people over. By Thursday I kinda forget how to talk to another grown-up. Regular middle of the week plans have been canceled or moved to weekends. And so I hold my breath, trying hard to just simply be with my children and enjoy them being babies. Trying hard not to watch the clock, feeling guilty at my joy when evening rolls around.

So tomorrow is Monday. God, give me strength. Strength to face the unknown trials that may come in this coming week. Strength to be a mom who is home with her children all day everyday. Strength to face the loneliness. Thank you that I have the gift of being with my kids all day everyday. Help me to focus on that joy. Give me strength to stand:


With visible breath, I'm calling your name
With visible tracks, I'm finding my way
With a sorrowful heart, I honor this pain
And offer these tears to the rain
In a moment of truth at the top of the hill
I open my arms and let go of my will
And stand with my face to the wind
With the storm beating down on this sacred ground
If I stand for the grace that I've known
For what I believe
Then I won't stand alone
No I won't stand alone
There's a new pair of eyes to embrace all I see
A new peace of mind and it comes quietly
There's a joy in my heart that you've given to me
And I offer this soul's melody
So I beat on my chest till my song has been sung
And I cry like a wolf at the top of my lungs
And stand with my face to the wind
With the storm beating down on this sacred ground
If I stand for the grace that I've known
For what I believe
Then I won't stand alone
No I won't stand alone
When the thundering voices of doubt try to shake my faith, oh
I'll be listening from inside out and I won't be afraid to
Stand with my face to the wind
With the storm beating down on this sacred ground
If I stand for the grace that I've known
For what I believe
Then I won't stand alone
No I won't stand...I won't stand alone 
                                                           - Susan Ashton: Stand

3 comments:

  1. You continue to remind me so much of myself. I'm not a mom but have experienced much loneliness. And we express ourselves similarly. I love the lyrics you chose also to express the pain of this leg of your journey. I'm praying for you.

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  2. I'm on summer break now, so once I'm back from WA I'll be available to keep you company when you need it, or take the girls when you need that.

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