I am a little dizzy today. A little teary. A little confused, scared and also excited for what could come next. I feel blessed, I feel called by God...and did I mention scared? No, I am not pregnant. I am a new mom though, to an 18 year old girl that desperately needs one. A young woman who has never really had a mom before. We always knew we might, but I never really saw it happening for real.
Friday evening Ryan's uncle came by, he said that his daughter Geneva (whom I have always loved, she often has come over to spend time with us) was no longer welcome at her current residence. She has not lived with him for a few years, she was staying with friends but the situation had gotten bad and she was left with no where to go. Needless to say we did a lot of praying and talking. I called my sister who has had experience opening up her home to those in need. She was very helpful, just knowing someone else has done this and everyone was ok gave me peace.
I think from the moment we heard we knew we would say yes - like I said, it has always been on our mind. She has always been on our hearts and we have spent a lot of time praying for her. She came over yesterday and we all talked through it. For the moment, we are focusing on the next three weeks until she graduates High School. After that everything can be re-evaluated and we will see where we all are and how things are working out.
I didn't sleep at all last night. I am not sure why. I think there is some measure of grieving - for what I am not sure. I feel ill-equipped, but who really is ready for something like this? She wasn't, I know that for sure. We learn together. We love her so very much and we know she needs us. And who knows, maybe we need her too. I have no doubt that she has much to teach and much to give. Her life has been way harder then any barely 18 year old's life should be. She has never had the chance to just be a kid, knowing 100% that everything is going to be ok. That those that have been charged with her care will truly take care of everything. She will have food, a bed to sleep in and people there to give hugs. The balance is hard, we gave set expectations high and we will stick to what we say no matter how difficult, that doesn't scare me. She is such on the verge of adulthood and I want to foster that part of her, not force her back into childhood. Such a fuzzy line, one I am praying will be as clear as possible.
So I guess I am on here asking for thoughts and prayer. I have been in a state of constant prayer it seems the last few days. Trying to think of things before they happen, trying to keep things normal for my babies while in this transition period. Staying strong as a unit with my husband so we can keep each other up and standing. Lots of prayer.
But right now, in this moment with my family and friends I am crying. For the simple life we are choosing to leave behind, for this exciting adventure ahead. For the pain she has had to endure, for the unknown pain that is ahead. For the growing up we are all going to be doing in the months ahead. My husband, myself, Geneva and my own girls. We all get to be a little ahead of our time a little too soon. I cry for childhood, for adults and for kids. Funny how 24 hours can make it all a different shade of pink, blue and gray.
Funny, almost as a sign of all that is different, our butterflies came out of their first graves yesterday. We have three out of five alive again. The other two are a little late...but you know some of us are and that is ok. God will be with us through it all.
Wow - I glanced at the butterflies as I wrote that last line and as if in confirmation, a forth chrysalis had just barely cracked open. I grabbed my little ones and we all just watched together as another butterfly rose again into a new life.
I may be a little fuzzy today. I'm not sure what the future will hold, whether it is tomorrow, three weeks or even ten minutes from now. But I know I don't have to be scared. The Master of the butterflies has everything under control. His timing is perfect. Right now, at this very moment this is what we all need. There are blessings in store for us all. I am not saying it will be easy - but I have both feet on the ground and one hand holding onto the wings of a butterfly. I am ready to take on this adventure.