Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Flow from what I am not...

Age is not all decay; it is the ripening, the swelling, of the fresh life within, that withers and bursts the husk.
               - George MacDonald


I have felt very old lately. I know at just past 30 I really am not, but my body hurts, all the time. My mind is tired, I don't care so much about my clothes or whether I am wearing make-up, I just want to be comfy. People getting worked up over what I deem as "piddly" problems make me angry. I am interested in politics, well thought out debates and teenagers bother me. Like, bother me to the point of me avoiding them in public places because I can't handle it - At. All. And if I don't work to avoid it, I am going to yell at them even if I don't know them to, "Put more clothes on!" or "Stop acting like the world owes you something!" or "Stop thinking that your parents owe you more clothes...." 

I have a list of what I don't want to forget about being a teenager somewhere. Perhaps I should pull it out and read it? It might help. Of course, it also might only remind me of how stupid I was as a teenager and thus make me want to avoid them even more - and flood me with embarrassing memories I would rather forget! 

I'm feeling old...does this just get worse from here on out? Or am I in that weird in-between stage, where I have still to accept my changing point of view, but I am still too close to the gap to be fully comfortable. Perhaps it is good to have this kind of perspective. I can still speak the language, but in no un-certain terms I do not agree with the theories. Perhaps this is exactly the time I should be ministering to teenagers? 

But I wont, I can't right now...because they bother me! Does that say more then it should? Now I am ashamed...

I apologize to any and all teenagers reading this. I am shamelessly clumping you all into a group and I know it is not fair, nor is it realistic or accurate in any way. 

In fact - this is not even what I sat down to write today. And it has taken a rather negative tone. So I think I will start over. We all need occasional Do-overs in life. And I am claiming one right now!


 "Whose work is it but your own to open your eyes? But indeed the business of the universe is to make such a fool out of you that you will know yourself for one, and begin to be wise.”
                                   ― George MacDonald,
Lilith A and Lilith
  

I am a fool. 

It is true.  

I have felt a rather large fool of late. And I think that too, is part of getting old. For the more we see ourselves for what we truly are, the more we can strip away the ugly and focus on who we want to become.  

"I am bad at backwards rolls." Ayla claimed 30 minutes or so before we needed to prepare for her second ever gymnastics class. 
"You are still learning Ayla." I comforted. "Everyone is bad at it when they first start. You have to practice and you will get better" 
"Kelly is bad at backwards rolls. She is REALLY REALLY bad at them! And she practices and she is bad at them."
"Ayla. that is not very nice. She is learning too. Everyone in your class is learning."
"But she is bad at them and she is not really learning. And she practices at my class!"

I am bad at lots of things in my life. I am bad at fixing things. I am bad at organizing. I am bad at creating. I am bad at drawing. I am bad at dancing. I am bad at understanding. I am bad at making plans. I am bad at simple walking lately, not to mention getting up off of the floor. That is near impossible! I am bad at thinking of what we should have for dinner. I am bad at calling/texting people. I am bad at remembering birthdays. I am bad at remembering names. I am bad at understanding my daughter emotionally. I am bad at nurturing my kids. I am bad at a whole lot.  

And you know what? I have been bad at letting it all go and being encouraging and positive despite what I know to be true. I have forgotten how to learn. You know how I know? Because my kids are echo-ing back to me what they hear. And they are getting confused when I get angry.And I am getting angry when I should be asking for forgiveness for setting a bad example.

God help me to be a good mother, I have felt very bad at it lately! My kids are having melt-downs, BIG melt-downs over little things. They are spouting attitudes that I despise, and then I see those very same attitudes in myself and I KNOW where they have seen it. How can I be upset at them, when I am modeling the exact behavior I hate? I feel confused, ashamed, angry - I feel a fool.

I need a moment to breath. 


“...it is so silly of people to fancy that old age means crookedness and witheredness and feebleness and sticks and spectacles and rheumatism and forgetfulness! It is so silly! Old age has nothing whatever to do with all that. The right old age means strength and beauty and mirth and courage and clear eyes and strong painless limbs.”
― George MacDonald,
The Princess and the Goblin 
 
I want painless limbs! I feel so silly complaining. Because I can move around just fine. But oh my limbs hurt ALL the time. I can barely walk some days. I was cursing Target yesterday because they put the milk in the very back of the store, and I had forgotten it and had to go back and get it. Do they not realize it hurts to walk! These inconsiderate... ^$%!#$^&....see? That is the attitude of which I speak. Rubbish it is, and in the rubbish it belongs. Give me strength Daddy-God. I need your strength.
 I am sometimes almost terrified at the scope of the demands made upon me, at the perfection of the self-abandonment required of me; yet outside of such absoluteness can be no salvation.”
― George MacDonald

 Life is hard. The world is cruel. But it is also beautiful. I think, perhaps I have not been noticing that enough. It may be because it is 109 degrees outside - or it will be shortly. It could just be my own bad attitude. August has always been my most hated month. I long for Autumn. I feel trapped in this house, but outside I cannot breath, literally. My kids feel it too, and so they push and pull, and I feel more and more trapped. But I simply don't have the energy. I WILL remember:

"strength and beauty and mirth and courage and clear eyes and strong painless limbs.”

It is a choice, we can choose crotchety or strength and beauty and mirth and courage and clear eyes and strong painless limbs. Seems like it would be an easy choice?


I apologize to any and all that have asked for play-dates this last month. I will admit I simply gave up. And in many ways it was free-ing. I was feeling very stressed about the calls I needed to return, the emails I needed to answer - we wanted to play with friends more before school started. But time was going too fast, and early last week I decided that I could do no more. I would let it go, no returning the calls. I just needed to be. So school starts tomorrow, and perhaps soon I will have it in me to call/write back. But not today. Today I am tired. My wonderful husband worked a full day yesterday, was kind enough to give me a couple hours to go shopping on my own last night (putting all the kids to bed) And then moments after I got home he got a call from work and had to go back in. He worked until 2am, was up again at 6:30am in order to be back at work first thing. I went to bed late, was woken at 2am by him coming home. Woken again at 2:30 because Ayla had a bad dream. Woken again at 3 because Taylor had a bad dream. And again at 3:30 by Kaylee. And Ayla was up for the day at 6.

Today I am tired. The girls and I made banana bread for breakfast this morning. It did not come out right. I realized, after we had tasted it, that somehow we had forgetten several of the ingredients. That explains it! The girls liked it anyway. I'm glad. Of course as is always the case with banana bread, I think the thing they like the most is getting to bake with mom. But it made me feel a fool. I can relate to that banana bread, a bit flat, tasteless and tough. I found myself just sitting and staring at it. We two are alike, the banana bread and I.

I got more test results yesterday. My thyroid levels have gotten better, but they are still not where they need to be. The doctor said he wants my tsh levels to be at about a 2. I am currently at a 16, and that is down from a 33. I have come down by half, that is very good. But he upped my medicine, which means I will have to go through the transitional/get used to it period again - and then in another month he will up it again. Not a fun process, hopefully it will be better this time. He is also testing me for several other things - RA, lupis, b12 and vit. D issues among other stuff. And sending me to a specialist to find out why my foot, knee and hips hurt so bad all of the time. Fun stuff!  I am just ready to be DONE with all this and to feel better. And hopefully I will soon. Thank you all for your prayers. I could not have made it through this summer without them, truly. 

And now the monkey is awake and we need to go to Target before the temp hits 109. So be well - and today I take a deep breath and vow to stop and see the beauty that surrounds me.

“My prayers, my God, flow from what I am not;
I think thy answers make me what I am.”
― George MacDonald,
The White Page Poems

Friday, August 3, 2012

A Very Merry Un-Birthday!

Do you know it is my un-birthday today? It is. Taylor told me so. And to celebrate she and I are looking at cakes. I like cake. At first I said I wanted a pirate ship cake for my un-birthday. So we found one:

 But it seemed a pity to stop there. See, Taylor reminded me it is her un-birthday too and she wanted a Barbie cake. I was less than pleased. But decided I would humor her. This is the one we picked out as our favorite Barbie cake. There are A LOT of Barbie cakes out there!

She also said she liked phineas and ferb cakes. So we chose this one because we like Platapus-i?

At this point she told me that it is her fish's birthday today (Not un-birthday, REAL birthday so I suppose it counts more. Though I don't see why) And her fish likes pheneas and ferb as well and would like this cake. She said her fish is turning 30. I have my doubts, but she sounded certain so I will be going with that.

Next we thought it would be fun to look up bug cakes. She didn't really understand when I said I liked this one best:

I got the "mom, you are crazy, but I am not going to bother asking you or I run the risk of you telling me." look. Is she supposed to have that look at 6? I thought that was more a teenager thing....

Then we had lots of fun looking at Hat Cakes. It was Taylor's idea and we found lots of fun ones.





Next we found a bath cake:

 And a TV cake:
And a tooth cake:

Taylor said she likes Cat Cakes. So we looked up those:

I like dragon cakes. To which she replies: "Mom, we are looking at happy cakes!" See how different we two are?



Don't those make you happy?

No?

It is just me then?

Oh fine!

Now the ideas are coming faster then I can look them up, and Ayla will be up soon with even MORE ideas! So for now I will end my search with the best cakes of all:




And just for fun...one more dragon cake!




And my favorites:
Hope you enjoyed our play this afternoon.

Oh goodness...now I want cake!

Friday, July 27, 2012

I don't answer texts - and other annoying things about me

 [CHARLIE BROWN]
"Oh, Lucy. I'm so depressed. I don't know what to do."

[LUCY]
"I think what you need most of all, Charlie Brown, is to come
right out and admit all of the things that are wrong with you."
                                               - The Doctor is in: You're a good man Charlie Brown



 
I had the realization recently that far to many of my posts here have been about my own pet peeves.

I decided that was not entirely fair.

Lately, there have been rather a lot of "pet peeve" type of conversations around me. Perhaps it is the rising political fever, or the contraversial books and news articals currently making their rounds. But many of those in my circles, some of whom I would not consider "the type" even, are making their dissatisfaction known.

So, in the spirit of learning to laugh at myself - I am writing a post about all the "Pet Peeves" that I encompass. I offer no excuse aside from I am always learning to be a better me. And some of these things I am working to improve. Others? Well, let me just claim imperfection, heave a sigh and move on.

1. I tattle on other people's kids. For the record, please feel free to do it to my own as well. I am a big advocate of "it takes a village." I consider myself a part of your village, please join mine as well. (not in a weird cultish sort of way. Just in a "We all help out other moms." sort of way. It is lots less creepy.) But I am well aware that kids are capable of a whole heck of a lot more then we give them credit for. And so if you are at my house and you ask your kids to do/not do something and they disobey? I will be telling on them. And I will put pressure on you until you follow through. It is good for us all people. You know when your kid is not behaving and you are frustrated and you pretend you just didn't notice this time? Yeah, I noticed. And so did they. And they know they got away with it, and they will make your life harder later because of it. So I will be tattling. You'll thank me later.

2. I am a brainstormer. So if you have a problem, especially if it is child related - I may offer some advice regardless of whether or not you asked. This is something I am working on, and please let me know if it ever bothers you.  I will stop, I promise. But what I immediately will do when faced with a problem is offer the first 2-5 pieces of advice that I can think of - they may be entirely unrelated to one another and from entirely different sides of the pool. It is me just acting as a sounding board. I do not doubt your parenting abilities. I just know that as moms, we can get stuck sometimes and need a fresh perspective. I also know that I am a damn good mom, even with my flaws. Chances are you are too, I don't hang out with crappy moms. Ever. So I just want to encourage you through the haze of not getting enough sleep and cut a few corners for you as far as ideas are concerned. But It bothers me when people "have all the answers" even when they don't. So this is something that often bothers me about myself and I am working to curb it. So feel free to remind me of that if I ever cross a line. I wont get offended, well - my ego may get bruised a bit. But I will be ok, and I will thank you later.

3. If I love it, I think everyone will love it. I get excited and passionate about it, and I want to talk about it and share it with as many people as possible. I get this from my mom, she is the same way and I get some of my best ideas from her! The problem is, people are different. So you may not love it AT ALL and I'll admit, that confuses me. I'll get over it though, but in the meantime, I can be a little annoying when I tell you the same story for the 204532 time - or try to get you to listen to a song, or watch a show, or cloth diaper you baby, or have a natural birth, or wear the color red, or taste greek food, or drink lots of water everyday, or read this article or buy this book, or...well you get the idea.

4. I will be 15 minutes late. I HATE this about myself. And it has really only become true in the last year, that third child did me in. I have tried to start earlier, I have attempted to get things done ahead of time. But no, rarely will it work. So I have accepted this about myself - all while still trying to fix it of course. But I am trying not to feel so guilty, take a deep breath and know that I will be there eventually, and everything will be ok.

5. My house is always dusty. Some of this I will blame on living next to a field with LOTS of dirt. But there is a layer on everything and there is no way I feel I can keep up with it.

6. To go along with that - I have cabinets that I never fully un-packed when I moved. My bathroom is one of them. If I spent an hour cleaning it out, I would have tons more space in there. But it doesn't happen because it is low on the priority list (first on the list being feed the children and do the dishes, and they expect to be fed three times a day! The nerve of these people...). So they remain cluttered, and I shut the door and try to forget.

7. Have you heard about those people that go to college, and then quit with one semester to go? Why don't they just finish! One semester, how hard can that be? Well, I know this one person, that quit with just one CLASS. Can you believe! ...oh wait, that's me! One class. No degree. Thousands in student loan debt, no degree. You need 126 units to graduate. I have 124. I needed one stinking college algebra class, no dice. Didn't happen. I ran out of time, and what they tell you is true. Once you quit, it is HARD to go back. I even tried to go back a couple of years ago. I now have 6 classes I have to finish (or did 6 years ago), yeah I expected that. But one is language, and they ask you take the last 20 something units AT the school and not transferred from another school.  When I asked how I was going to take Spanish correspondence and/or online (Since I now live 200 miles from my school) their exact words were "do the other classes, and we will figure that out once we get there." Yeah, at well over $1000.00 per unit that is just not good enough for me. So I gave up on graduating from that school. I will finish my degree. I MUST. But it will be a while, and it will likely be in a different major since my interests have changed in the last 12 years. Wow, has it really been 12 years since I started college?  Feeling old people!

8. This is perhaps one I am most ashamed of. I fall into the category of "out of sight, out of mind."  This means that if I don't see you, I will likely be BAD at keeping in contact. Facebook has helped with this. But I will probably not call you, I will try very hard. But the chances are slim. It doesn't in any way mean I do not love you. In fact, if I do get to talk to you I will be so overjoyed I may get all emotional on you. And I will go on and on about how we need to see/talk more often! And I will really, truly mean it from the bottom of my heart.  But then life hits, and it doesn't happen. I hate this about myself, because it makes me seem flaky, and maybe I am. Though I truly don't mean to be. So accept my most humble apologies. Know that I love you and I miss you - but I just suck at keeping in contact when we are far away.

9. This one drives my husband crazy - I get lost. A lot. I don't really know my right from my left. I mean I know...but it takes a few seconds. Please do not even try to ask me where North and South are. I need directions for just about everywhere and I will need them multiple times because I forget. I forget a lot. This is embarrassing. But I have had to learn to deal with it. I am un-coordinated. I trip and fall. I drop things, I make messes. I hurt myself. I am not crafty, I can't make things look pretty (Aside from my babies, I made them and they are very pretty!). I have no eye for color, for art, for what goes with what. I will ask the same question over and over because I just forgot. Anything that takes finesse of any kind I have to learn to do manually, there is no instinct involved. And it is hard work. I can't dance, I can't even move so it looks natural. This will someday drive my children insane, and that encourages me. I honestly think that the compass in my brain just got stuck, it is not free floating as a compass should be, and it makes everything that takes hand-eye coordination and/or any sense of direction 50 billion times harder for me then it should be (I also exaggerate, but that could be a post in and of itself). I have accepted the fact that few understand, and I am so sorry if I ask for directions to your house over and over and over again. Please just be patient with me. I will learn eventually!   


10.  And this is perhaps the worst of the lot - ergo the title. I do not answer txts and emails as I should. Yes, I am that rude person that you send a message too not knowing if you might sometime, maybe, perhaps, hear back...someday?  Sometimes I write back right away. And sometimes it takes hours, or days or you remind me a week later that you never got an answer...and I, full of embarrassment that I was *that* person yet again meekly replies, hoping you will forgive me - knowing it will likely happen again. It is a character flaw and I deeply apologize to any and all who have been hurt or frustrated by my lack of courtesy. I wish I could say it will not happen again - but all I can really do is say that if it really bothers you, please let me know and I will triple my efforts to improve when it is your messages I am replying too.

 [CHARLIE BROWN]
All right, I'll try
I'm not very handsome or clever, or lucid,
I've always been stupid at spelling and numbers.
I've never been much playing football ir baseball
Or stickball, or checkers, or marbles, or ping-pong

[LUCY]
Wait!
You're not very much of a person...

[CHARLIE BROWN]
That's certain

[LUCY]
And yet there's a reason for hope.

[CHARLIE BROWN]
There's hope?

[LUCY]
For although you are no good at music,
Like Schroeder, or happy like Snoopy,
Or lovely like me,
You have the distinction to be
No one else but the singular, remarkable, unique
Charlie Brown.

[CHARLIE BROWN]
I'm me!

[LUCY]
Yes- it's amazingly true,
For whatever it's worth, Charlie Brown,
You're you.


I'm me, and while I ever hope to be improving. For now - that is enough.