Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Flow from what I am not...

Age is not all decay; it is the ripening, the swelling, of the fresh life within, that withers and bursts the husk.
               - George MacDonald


I have felt very old lately. I know at just past 30 I really am not, but my body hurts, all the time. My mind is tired, I don't care so much about my clothes or whether I am wearing make-up, I just want to be comfy. People getting worked up over what I deem as "piddly" problems make me angry. I am interested in politics, well thought out debates and teenagers bother me. Like, bother me to the point of me avoiding them in public places because I can't handle it - At. All. And if I don't work to avoid it, I am going to yell at them even if I don't know them to, "Put more clothes on!" or "Stop acting like the world owes you something!" or "Stop thinking that your parents owe you more clothes...." 

I have a list of what I don't want to forget about being a teenager somewhere. Perhaps I should pull it out and read it? It might help. Of course, it also might only remind me of how stupid I was as a teenager and thus make me want to avoid them even more - and flood me with embarrassing memories I would rather forget! 

I'm feeling old...does this just get worse from here on out? Or am I in that weird in-between stage, where I have still to accept my changing point of view, but I am still too close to the gap to be fully comfortable. Perhaps it is good to have this kind of perspective. I can still speak the language, but in no un-certain terms I do not agree with the theories. Perhaps this is exactly the time I should be ministering to teenagers? 

But I wont, I can't right now...because they bother me! Does that say more then it should? Now I am ashamed...

I apologize to any and all teenagers reading this. I am shamelessly clumping you all into a group and I know it is not fair, nor is it realistic or accurate in any way. 

In fact - this is not even what I sat down to write today. And it has taken a rather negative tone. So I think I will start over. We all need occasional Do-overs in life. And I am claiming one right now!


 "Whose work is it but your own to open your eyes? But indeed the business of the universe is to make such a fool out of you that you will know yourself for one, and begin to be wise.”
                                   ― George MacDonald,
Lilith A and Lilith
  

I am a fool. 

It is true.  

I have felt a rather large fool of late. And I think that too, is part of getting old. For the more we see ourselves for what we truly are, the more we can strip away the ugly and focus on who we want to become.  

"I am bad at backwards rolls." Ayla claimed 30 minutes or so before we needed to prepare for her second ever gymnastics class. 
"You are still learning Ayla." I comforted. "Everyone is bad at it when they first start. You have to practice and you will get better" 
"Kelly is bad at backwards rolls. She is REALLY REALLY bad at them! And she practices and she is bad at them."
"Ayla. that is not very nice. She is learning too. Everyone in your class is learning."
"But she is bad at them and she is not really learning. And she practices at my class!"

I am bad at lots of things in my life. I am bad at fixing things. I am bad at organizing. I am bad at creating. I am bad at drawing. I am bad at dancing. I am bad at understanding. I am bad at making plans. I am bad at simple walking lately, not to mention getting up off of the floor. That is near impossible! I am bad at thinking of what we should have for dinner. I am bad at calling/texting people. I am bad at remembering birthdays. I am bad at remembering names. I am bad at understanding my daughter emotionally. I am bad at nurturing my kids. I am bad at a whole lot.  

And you know what? I have been bad at letting it all go and being encouraging and positive despite what I know to be true. I have forgotten how to learn. You know how I know? Because my kids are echo-ing back to me what they hear. And they are getting confused when I get angry.And I am getting angry when I should be asking for forgiveness for setting a bad example.

God help me to be a good mother, I have felt very bad at it lately! My kids are having melt-downs, BIG melt-downs over little things. They are spouting attitudes that I despise, and then I see those very same attitudes in myself and I KNOW where they have seen it. How can I be upset at them, when I am modeling the exact behavior I hate? I feel confused, ashamed, angry - I feel a fool.

I need a moment to breath. 


“...it is so silly of people to fancy that old age means crookedness and witheredness and feebleness and sticks and spectacles and rheumatism and forgetfulness! It is so silly! Old age has nothing whatever to do with all that. The right old age means strength and beauty and mirth and courage and clear eyes and strong painless limbs.”
― George MacDonald,
The Princess and the Goblin 
 
I want painless limbs! I feel so silly complaining. Because I can move around just fine. But oh my limbs hurt ALL the time. I can barely walk some days. I was cursing Target yesterday because they put the milk in the very back of the store, and I had forgotten it and had to go back and get it. Do they not realize it hurts to walk! These inconsiderate... ^$%!#$^&....see? That is the attitude of which I speak. Rubbish it is, and in the rubbish it belongs. Give me strength Daddy-God. I need your strength.
 I am sometimes almost terrified at the scope of the demands made upon me, at the perfection of the self-abandonment required of me; yet outside of such absoluteness can be no salvation.”
― George MacDonald

 Life is hard. The world is cruel. But it is also beautiful. I think, perhaps I have not been noticing that enough. It may be because it is 109 degrees outside - or it will be shortly. It could just be my own bad attitude. August has always been my most hated month. I long for Autumn. I feel trapped in this house, but outside I cannot breath, literally. My kids feel it too, and so they push and pull, and I feel more and more trapped. But I simply don't have the energy. I WILL remember:

"strength and beauty and mirth and courage and clear eyes and strong painless limbs.”

It is a choice, we can choose crotchety or strength and beauty and mirth and courage and clear eyes and strong painless limbs. Seems like it would be an easy choice?


I apologize to any and all that have asked for play-dates this last month. I will admit I simply gave up. And in many ways it was free-ing. I was feeling very stressed about the calls I needed to return, the emails I needed to answer - we wanted to play with friends more before school started. But time was going too fast, and early last week I decided that I could do no more. I would let it go, no returning the calls. I just needed to be. So school starts tomorrow, and perhaps soon I will have it in me to call/write back. But not today. Today I am tired. My wonderful husband worked a full day yesterday, was kind enough to give me a couple hours to go shopping on my own last night (putting all the kids to bed) And then moments after I got home he got a call from work and had to go back in. He worked until 2am, was up again at 6:30am in order to be back at work first thing. I went to bed late, was woken at 2am by him coming home. Woken again at 2:30 because Ayla had a bad dream. Woken again at 3 because Taylor had a bad dream. And again at 3:30 by Kaylee. And Ayla was up for the day at 6.

Today I am tired. The girls and I made banana bread for breakfast this morning. It did not come out right. I realized, after we had tasted it, that somehow we had forgetten several of the ingredients. That explains it! The girls liked it anyway. I'm glad. Of course as is always the case with banana bread, I think the thing they like the most is getting to bake with mom. But it made me feel a fool. I can relate to that banana bread, a bit flat, tasteless and tough. I found myself just sitting and staring at it. We two are alike, the banana bread and I.

I got more test results yesterday. My thyroid levels have gotten better, but they are still not where they need to be. The doctor said he wants my tsh levels to be at about a 2. I am currently at a 16, and that is down from a 33. I have come down by half, that is very good. But he upped my medicine, which means I will have to go through the transitional/get used to it period again - and then in another month he will up it again. Not a fun process, hopefully it will be better this time. He is also testing me for several other things - RA, lupis, b12 and vit. D issues among other stuff. And sending me to a specialist to find out why my foot, knee and hips hurt so bad all of the time. Fun stuff!  I am just ready to be DONE with all this and to feel better. And hopefully I will soon. Thank you all for your prayers. I could not have made it through this summer without them, truly. 

And now the monkey is awake and we need to go to Target before the temp hits 109. So be well - and today I take a deep breath and vow to stop and see the beauty that surrounds me.

“My prayers, my God, flow from what I am not;
I think thy answers make me what I am.”
― George MacDonald,
The White Page Poems

2 comments:

  1. I'm sorry that things are tough right now for you. Know that I'm always thinking about you, even if I don't call/e-mail/text/ correspond in a format that you know I'm thinking about you! Love you, roomie! :)

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  2. Sarah, praying for you.

    Please KNOW that you ARE a good mother. Many women in your shoes wouldn't have even attempted banana bread this morning, but you did, because you love your children.

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