Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Round about And round about And round about I go--

I have a house where I go
When there's too many poeple,
I have a house where I go
Where no one can be;
I have a house where I go,
Where nobody ever says "No";
Where no one says anything - so
There is no one but me.  - AA Milne


I believe that I may need an AA Milne quote on my tombstone someday.  Not for any particular reason, aside from he always knows exactly what to say, have you every noticed that? I would like for my legacy to go on where a wandering soul can walk through a cemetery and be encouraged by what they see...of course practical person that I am, I also know that those cost money and I would hate to cost my family money...so perhaps only if I am rich before I die.  Sounds reasonable right?


With every child there comes challenges, every parent...and every aunt, uncle, sister, brother, cousin or even family friend knows that. Along that same line, with every pregnancy comes it's own challenge.  With Taylor it was obvious - purely physical.  Welts and blisters from head to toe is something people can see, horrible beyond words and leaves the sufferer completely broken.  No one but God to get you through, because there honestly is no other way aside from knocking your self out with a baseball bat...which trust me, I considered many times!

My second pregnancy I suppose was pretty easy.  I was overweight when it started due to the steroids I had recently come off of. So I suffered from back, hip and general body pain because of that.  But the whole blood clot thing at the end gave a sense of fear of the unknown that I had not had to experience before. I am not in any way saying this is harder to bear then the above mentioned condition, not by a long shot.  But  the knowledge that you could have something too small to see in your body, that could kill you in an instant is rather an unsettling thought.  


That brings me to #3.  I could enter this pregnancy fully prepared right?  I am fully researched and know how to face the auto-immune if that is my path again, I am on medication to reduce the risk of blood clots and taking careful precaution not to sit for any length of time.  I am in very good shape and therefore my body is ready to take this on. No, this time it is rather more abstract.  I hate to be doomsday-ish, but lately there is death, sickness and destruction all around me.  I can't be free of it, and honestly when it is the mantle that those close to me are asked to currently wear, I don't want to be free of it because I don't wish to be free of them. 

I am not sure if that is the root of it, but this time?  I have 100% zero patience.  Is that possible? 100% zero of something? It seems a bit like an oxymoron to me...  


I have no patience for people in general, especially those I don't know very well - or at all.  I have no patience for childishness, for whining, complaining in ANY form.  I have little patience for teasing, it is pointless in my book and not worth my energy. So yeah, I am THAT person right now, the one with no imagination or sense of humor? Perhaps that is also where this stems from, I have very little energy, I CANNOT waste it on things that have no purpose when my kids need me to be present for them.  I have zero patience for kids I do not love.  I out and out dislike them.  This of course does not envolve any children I spend time with, this is mostly for kids that I see in grocery stores and the like, the ones I want to throttle because of the things I hear them say/do and the parents that I like-wise want to sit down and verbally abuse because of their incompatants.  


Nice huh, never knew I was such a terrible person at the moment.  Which also leaves me confused...I have been told I have hidden my emotional instability well.  But that begs the question, that since I don't feel very contained at the moment...does that mean that those around me are just not paying attention?  Or perhaps they don't know me as well as I thought they did.  Of course being in this mode, the very last thing I want is for people to ask me how I am doing over and over and over again.  I think I might prefer to just be by myself until this is over.  I need a house, a house I can go where no one else can be.  There is no right answer, I do not want people to pay attention, but then I would also rather not do this by myself. I suppose my kids are a good substitute for people at the moment...not to say they are not people, but the average conversation that has any depth is most often times interrupted by general childishness - which I am telling myself is a GOOD thing from a 3 and 5 year old?  And God can keep me company, he is good company on hard days. 


But then I don't really want to be alone right now. I have been lonely lately, My husband has a project that is taking his full attention, several hours a day at least.  Friends are busy, and my people skills are drastically lacking at the moment.  I want someone to sit with silently, but then that is awkward and uncomfortable for both of us.  So I most certainly don't want that.  In fact, actually doing that sounds like acute torture.  I don't want anyone to ask how I am doing because I honestly don't know the answer to the question.  "I am full of baby" is about as honest as I can be right now.  So please, go along superficially with me, at least for now. It is all I have the energy for at the moment. 

Luckily I have very a very patient husband and understanding kids. I am extremely thankful I have the freedom to apologize to my kids when I need too.  A harsh command or instruction can all too often lead to tears, but a hug, an apology on my part and a request for my babies to "pray God will help mom to have a good attitude" works wonders.  Thank you God I can apologize to my kids, and thank you they always forgive me when I slip up!


So this time? I know I am being taught something. Not sure exactly what, I would say empathy for others that are more emotionally inclined, but the truth is that unless that emotion comes from a real place, such as true sorrow or pain...I have no empathy what-so-ever.  Teenagers spouting their useless drama?  I want to strangle them.  And those going through real pain?  I'm not sure, see it is all around me, but not directly on me.  I am watching through a window, so how can I truly empathize when there is a pane of glass in between the two of us? It makes me feel no better then the above mentioned teenagers. Fussing about spilled milk and not just dealing with life. Perhaps I am learning light in the storm, as imaginary as the storm may be some days.  Self control no matter how I am feeling? Actually strangling the teenagers is probably not a good idea, and thus far I have managed to avoid it!  Perhaps I have needed time alone, and seeing as I feel my grasp on my own self-control far too flighty, I have certainly sought solitude to protect my own self respect if nothing else.


There are a lot of A A Milne sayings that not very many people have heard. I know this, because you cannot google them.  Funny how that is the truest form of accurate popularity at the moment?  I can perhaps find the book they come from with a snippet, but the whole thing?  No, I am forced to type it all out myself.  Which leaves me vulnerable to typo's and mistakes.  But I suppose that so long as it is readable I am ok right?  I am fairly sure I am not being graded on this blog, I certainly hope not anyhow!  And would it really truly be me if the spelling were perfect?  I think not.  


90% of the time, if I can find a more random quote, it is on a blog.  Like this one:

 If I were John and John were Me,
Then he’d be six and I’d be three.
If John were Me and I were John,
I shouldn’t have these trousers on. 

It can be found.  But you have to specifically be looking for it.  While the poem I started this post with?  Not anywhere.  


When I was a kid we had "Now we are six" on record.  A little known AA Milne book purely of poems and songs.  I don't think it is the only one either, but it has some that make me want to cry they say things so perfectly.  There are actually lots in it about little girls, you see, Christopher Robin was not the only child.  Though if the Disney channel had used "Ann" instead of "Darby" as their new Winnie the Pooh character I would have clapped for joy.  But no...they did not do their research it seems.  I am by no means an expert on AAM, though perhaps I should actually do some real research since I enjoy his writing so much. But I do know that there is no Darby in any writings I have come across.

Dizzy, perhaps that is a better way to explain how I have been lately.  I am not entirely sure which way is up or down, and considering I have suffered my whole life not knowing my left from my right...well let's just say it leaves one wanting to sit down for a bit and attempt to get the world's bearings.  So since my children are on their 4th 20 minute show of the morning?  I leave you here:

I think I am a muffin man. I haven't got a bell. 
I haven't got the muffin things that muffin people sell. 
Perhaps I am a postman. No I think I am a tram. 
I'm feeling rather funny and I don't know what I am--

BUT

Round about 
And round about
And round about I go--
All around the table,
The table in the nursery--

Round about 
And round about
And round about I go--

I think I am a traveller escaping from a bear;

I think I am an elephant
Behind another elephant
Behind another elephant who isn't really there....


SO

Round about 
And round about
And round about and round about 
And round about
And round about 
I go.

I think I am a Ticket Man who's selling tickets--- please,

I think I am a doctor who is visiting a sneeze;


Perhaps I'm just a nanny who is walking with a pram
I'm feeling rather funny and I don't know what I am--


BUT

Round about 
And round about
And round about I go--
All around the table,
The table in the nursery--

Round about 
And round about
And round about I go:

I think I am a puppy, so I"m hanging out my tongue;

I think I am a camel who 
Is looking for a camel who
Is looking for a Camel who is looking for it's 
Young...


SO
Round about 
And round about
And round about I go--

Round about 
And round about 
and round about and round about

And round about
And round about
I go.

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