Monday, March 21, 2011


The sun is out today.  I don't have much more to write then that.  The last week has been covered in shadow both figuratively and literally. It is not mine to share or doubtless you would have found me here earlier telling you all.  But no, it is mine to wait and watch and breath prayer around.  All I can pray for is peace, and I hope the breaths have been heard.

Monday morning.  The sun has broken through the rain clouds.  The ground is covered in water several inches deep, but at the moment...sitting here alone in my house (well, partially alone.  A little one is watching Dora in the next room and an even littler one is playing gymnastics with my insides) I can breath for a moment. The sun is out, for now that is enough. 

I have decided that I do not love the rain.  Loving the rain is a romantic idea.  And I"ll admit, if it rains in August I am jumping for joy to be sure.  But 90% of the time I endure the rain.  As a child I loved it.  But as a child I did not have to bundle small ones into car seats, run errands and generally be out in it unless it was of my choosing for general splashing purposes.  No, the rain now makes difficult tasks harder and for that it makes me grumpy. It also takes away the need to water my garden, and the ability for children to play in the backyard.  These things are needed.

I love my house, I would not ask for a bigger one since my 1500 square feet already tires me out in my attempt to keep it tidy and organized.  But the house I grew up in had so much potential for adventure.  There were rooms and staircases in weird places which gave you a delighted sense of not knowing what to expect.  It had hide-away spots and even a secret room still covered in dirt and cobwebs.  It was the absolute best house for hide and seek.   Now, I am not complaining.  I do love my house...but there is not much adventure in this house - for my kids you see.  There are no secret places to hide, no stairs to create dangerous games with, no rooms to wonder about.  It is just a house with windows and rooms. This means that adventure must be found outside it's walls.  And when it is raining, that is very difficult to do.

I am always so amazed that the pavement outside dries so quickly in the sun, after many many hours of rain.  I can already see the dry spots between the wet.  Perhaps Ayla and I need to go on a walk.  The backyard will still be flooded, but a walk would be possible.  And it will stretch both our bones and give us something to adventure about.

When the world is covered in shadow I have trouble looking beyond the very moment I am in.  I can dress, feed and bath children.  But motivation for that which goes beyond the necessary doesn't always get through.  I also can't multi-task.  Even something as simple as listening to music and answering my childrens many questions becomes complicated beyond measure. I hate it when that happens, I am not as good of a mother then.  I snap easily, I banish my kids to another room just so that I can do a simple task such as make lunch.  I need to cut out more one on one time with them I think. At the end of a day all too often I will realize that while I may have been with them all day, there was very little actually being WITH them.

I never wanted to be one of those moms that looks foreword all day to naptime because "the little brats are finally asleep." I did not have kids in order to endure our togetherness and relish the awayness.  I had kids to be present WITH them. Now, I do not believe I need to be on the ground playing at their level for hours a day.  I do read books sometimes for an hour at a time - but I do not sit on the ground and play with toys. I can dance to music for forever with them but I can not play imagination games. I will do a puzzle together with Taylor or play a board game but Hide and Seek is not something I can do. I have had to come to this realization over the past few years.  There are ways I CAN play with my kids and there are ways I simple cannot.  Why?  I hate it.  And I want my playtime with my kids to be something I want to do.  Not something I put up with because if I don't I will feel guilty about it. I think they prefer this too. After all, our kids are smarter then we give them credit for.  They understand when mom is not happy with what she is doing.  And while it would be a rare thing for a child to say "I don't think you are having fun, let's choose another game so we can both enjoy our time together" I do think that they can pick up on our resentment of "playing" in the first place. Furthermore, did you ever realize that "playing" with our kids is a fairly new idea? True, there was always togetherness, but in most older times there was far to much to do to stop and play.  There was cooking, sewing, working the fields, etc. The babies were worn next to mom so she could get things done and the older kids played underfoot until they were old enough to learn to be useful.  Perhaps reading together at the end of a day was the only one on one time a mom could give.  And I would argue that kids were perhaps better off then. Of course that may be a subject for another day...       

 I do not like the rain.  There, I said it.  Although it goes against every poetic muscle in me.  I suppose I am a CA girl at heart.  And as much as I love the idea of moving to a new and exciting place across the sea...or at least across the US.  I don't know if I ever will.  I love the sun.  And here I get a lot of it.  It is therapeutic to me. I think I must have  SAD .   You know, the one where sun keeps depression at bay? Or perhaps sun just speaks joy to me.  My mood is heavily influenced by the weather. And while sitting inside, cuddled under a blanket, drinking tea and watching the rain is a very nice is not practical and only actually takes 20-30 minutes at most.  So hears to 20 minute rain showers...ooh, and thunder storms.  Those I like! And hard as it may be to speak it, hears to shadow in life.  For without the rain we cannot love the sun.  And without the shadow, I cannot see the joy.  Sure, it takes a while sometimes.  Years maybe even.  And honestly I am not there yet.  But I know God if faithful.  I know he is bigger then I or any situation.  I can hold into faith, hope, prayer and yes - even the sun.  For despite the shadow, today the sun has worked its way out of the clouds, and it speaks joy.           

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