Monday, November 29, 2010

The start of the road

Once upon a time we all walked on the golden road. It was a fair highway, through the Land of Lost Delight; shadow and sunshine were blessedly mingled, and every turn and dip revealed a fresh charm and a new loveliness to eager hearts and unspoiled eyes.

On that road we heard the song of morning stars; we drank in fragrances aerial and sweet as a May mist; we were rich in gossamer fancies and iris hopes; our hearts sought and found the boon of dreams; the years waited beyond and they were very fair; life was a rose-lipped comrade with purple flowers dripping from her fingers.

We may long have left the golden road behind, but its memories are the dearest of our eternal possessions; and those who cherish them as such may haply find a pleasure in the pages of this book, whose people are pilgrims on the golden road of youth.

The Golden Road: 
Lucy Maud Montgomery 

 This excerpt has always spoken to me.  Most people know L.M.Montgomery only for Anne of Green Gables.  But I would dare anyone to read The Story Girl and The Golden Road and not tell me that they far out-weight dear Anne.  I had a mostly delightful childhood full of dreams and golden delights.  The road was clear at that time, full of promises and adventures not yet known.  I, like the narrator of those books have left the Golden Road.  But I feel strongly the need to dust the road off and bring it back for my children.  They are just starting after all; their lives are brimming with promise.  The excitement bubbles up in me new and fresh when I think about it! 

I was rather jolted in the transition from childhood to teenage-ness.  It happened with me kicking and screaming trying so hard to grab onto childhood as much as I could, angry at the world for forcing the joy out of my life.  After all, how can there be joy without child-like hopes and dreams?  Coincidentally, there were other sorrows in my life at the same time.  Beloved friends moved a world away, babies in my house made for exhausted parents unable to do anything other when what lay before them (which I understand fully!) and being so incredibly lonely.  I saw people other then my family only twice a week and had days where I didn't leave the house at all aside from my walks.  I remember at the time going on long long walks, having to force myself to turn back home.  My home was my prison.  I couldn't get away, I longed for people - but it was years before they were provided. I can remember begging to go with my mom to the grocery store just to get AWAY. 

Then I turned 18.  College was like a dream.  I had people all around me, and plenty to do!  Boredom I believe is my nemesis.  And I had many many years of it!  So to finally have classes to go to and homework to complete?  People to hang out with that had similar interest as I?  It felt like I finally had purpose, like the world had finally turn back to color!  It had truly been gray since I had left the golden road. I admit I had feared it would stay that way. 

Where am I going with this you ask?

I admit a new life always makes me look back and reflect.  You see the golden road starts now.  And it is my job as a parent to make sure it starts right.  I think I have done ok with the first two, so now the planning starts for the new one.  I find myself getting lost just in daydreams, thinking whether it is boy or girl, I will start a conversation in my head about when the new one is born...hoping while speaking to myself about it the name will naturally jump into my head.  I know this new one has been named already, I just haven't discovered what it is yet.  And while currently the thought of drinking in fragrances aerial and sweet as a may makes me a little nauseous...I feel almost ready to burst with excitement!  Excitement for a new road that is now being formed, a new life that has already been blessed, a new personality that is already being formed.  New stories, color, beauty and joy. 

You see we only get to walk the golden road once on our own.  But oh!  We get to walk alongside it again with each of our kids!   Remember the wonderful feeling of Christmas?  I so vividly remember losing it, waking up on Christmas and just wishing I could go back to bed.  After all, it is just a normal day.  I remember crying alone on Christmas Day because I feared that magic was gone forever.  But guess is back a 1000 times over!  Why?  Because while my kids walk this road I get to walk with them!  Who would have guessed?  What an amazing gift!    

My personal journeys had purpose.  I have said before that if I had not experienced such loneliness in my youth I may not have been able to be home with my kids without going crazy.  When I first got married I experienced more loneliness.  I didn't find true friends for many years.  But it made me so thankful for my amazing husband, so thankful for family. 

I feel like now I am living in a time of plenty.  I'm sure I will go through other droughts.  But for now?  I feel so incredibly blessed by those around me.    I wish plenty for my kids.  I know they will experience journeys of their own.  After all, the Golden Road is not without it's share of rocks!  But I am doing my best to prepare them in any way I can - and I have faith God will do the rest.

For this new child?  I am praying peace.  Perhaps it is in my attempt to not have another baby like Ayla.  I love her very much, but oh please God give this child peace!  Perhaps it is for my own sake.  Either way, I can so easily see the road's head. It is covered as of now with wild brambles that have to be cleared away.  But I have a sneaking suspicion that they are brier roses protecting a sleeping beauty ready to burst forth into fragrant blooms the moment the time is right....hopefully at that point I will be able to bear the aroma?  

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