This post will most likely be written in sections, so forgive me if it appears to be bits and pieces of my days and emotions.
I will start with a story. The story technically starts 10 years ago when my wonderful amazing husband and I met. But I will fast foreword to 5 years ago when we were expecting our first child. Now, because this could become the longest post in blogging history (I wonder what the longest post was…) I shall attempt to skim over this foreword part as fast as I can – especially since I am sure most of you have heard these stories before. But I have to revisit them you see to get the full effect. Pregnant with my first child, at 28 weeks I get a horrible, horrible auto-immune skin condition that leaves me covered in raised red plaques and blisters from my neck all the way to the bottoms of my feet. I can’t walk, I can’t hold a fork. It itches beyond explanations – truly. Even now, 5 years later I tear up remembering it. We don’t know what it is. All we know is that it is auto-immune and it will respond to steroids. I have this until my child is born 3 weeks early. She is amazing. Red hair and so tiny! We all expected it to go away after delivery….it got worse. I was on three rounds of 60mg prednesone with the spots always coming back once I would taper down to 20. My child was 6 days old when we discovered what I had. pemphigoid gestationis: http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/1063499-overview
Funny how just knowing can give you so much more power. Eventually I went to see a natural-pathic type doctor, and with those treatments and my body finally ready to let go I went into remission when my Taylor was 3 months old.
I could say with complete certainty at that point that Taylor was most likely going to be our only child. The statistics showed I had a 93% chance of relapsing if I were to get pregnant again. But amazingly God gives us this ability to forget the horrors connected with having our children. I would say in most cases it takes at least a year to START forgetting. My Taylor was 1 years old. We started talking about possibly having another. Taylor needed a sibling. We were thinking of possibly starting to think about trying that fall, it was spring at this point. Well, I was 4 days late – thinking there was no way. We had been VERY careful (I was on the pill and we were using extra protection) I took a test to ease my mind. Two lines showed themselves clearly. I instantly burst into tears and it took me a few hours to calm myself. There was a lot of fear, a lot of uncertainty. Ryan got home that evening and I showed him the test. “Ok.” Was all he said. We got to do it all again.
Amazingly I had what is considered a rare “skip” pregnancy. I did not get PG with Ayla. However, around my 8th month one evening I had an odd experience. It was late in the evening. I was talking to my husband and all of a sudden I was having trouble speaking. I would try to say something and either stop mid sentence or say the completely wrong word. It was as if the connection between my brain and my mouth was no longer functioning. I laughed it off and decided I must be tired so I went to bed. I can remember lying in bed thinking how could I ever have thought this whole think-something-and-say-it was easy. It took all my focus just to get words out. All of a sudden, my right hand started to get numb and tingly. It went up my arm all the way to my face. I went into the bathroom expecting my face to be drooping though it looked fine. I felt as if I had just been to the dentist and had my face numbed. As quickly as it came all of a sudden it started going away. I could talk again and I felt fine. So I went to bed thinking I would call the doctor first thing in the morning. Of course when I called I was yelled at for not going to the ER. I got a echo on my heart and an MRI showing nothing. They concluded that I had had a trans ischemic attack or TIA; a mini stroke cause by a blood clot in the brain and put me on aspirin for the rest of my life.
We knew beyond the shadow of a doubt when we had Ayla that she would be our last. The risks were to high (do you see where I am going with this?). And although in my heart I had always wanted three kids…we both knew that two was enough. I didn’t want to put my husband through that stress again and he didn’t want me to risk my life.
Now my kids are two and four. Good ages, pretty easy ages in my opinion – well, in comparison to the baby stage! Sometimes, they will go off into their room together and just play! It is amazing, truly amazing!
God has a funny sense of humor. You see, things can never be easy. He likes it when we continue to push ourselves out of our comfort zone. He likes to show us in so many ways how we can think whatever we like…but in the end his plan reigns supreme. It started about a year ago. I started getting inklings that God had a different plan then the one we had so carefully crafted. You want to see God’s new plan?
Can you see it? There is no doubt in my mind that this is what God wants. Why? Because there was no doubt in my mind that we were done. And then out of the blue there was no doubt in my mind that there was another baby for us. And then there was no doubt in my husbands mind. THIS is God's plan for us now.
I am due July 21st - so that means at the moment I am still only 5 weeks. But I was never one for keeping this a secret. Yes, I am scared. It is still so early and so much could happen. But if anything were to happen I would need the prayer and support of my family and friends. So I tell you all early so you can start that prayer now!
There is a lot of fear associated with pregnancy for my husband and I. So what I ask of you beloved readers is your prayer. Prayer that this little one will stick! Prayer that the pregnancy will be happy and healthy. Prayer that the baby grows so perfectly and so healthy so he/she can be giggling in my arms by this time next year. Prayer for my husband, that there is no fear and he has the energy to deal with a pregnant wife! Prayer for my babies that they will welcome another sibling with open arms. And prayer for me. Prayer that I don't stress to much and that I can simply rest knowing this baby is protected. So far I feel excellent. No sickness, no extra tiredness....yet. But it is still early....
Thank you all for everything - lets go on another adventure together!!!