The Buzz Lightyear Effect

Is it me? I never used to have this problem, so I think it must be me... which is disconcerning in and of itself. And what is even more disconcerning is the fact that disconcerning is not even a word. The proper word is "disconcerting" and I somehow managed to get to 30 years old and I am only just now discovering I have been saying the word wrong for 30 years? Ok, to be fair I probably didn't talk much at just below one year old, didn't use words beyond one syllable anyhow. And it is even more disconcerting that saying a word incorrectly for 28 1/2 years, rather then 30 somehow makes me feel a little better....and yes I know what you were thinking. I was a very precocious 18 month old.

One answer I have discovered to my question:

"Just put this fish in your ear"

Now some of you are laughing because you already know exactly what I mean, and the other bit of you are probably fairly certain that I have truly gone over to the dark side. So I shall back up a bit - it is from a book...


"'Listen!'

'But I can't speak Vogon!'

'You don't need to. Just put this fish in your ear.'

Ford, with a lightning movement, clapped his hand to Arthur's ear, and he had the sudden sickening sensation of the fish slithering deep into his aural tract.  Gasping with horror he scrabbled at his ear for a second or so, but then slowly turned goggle-eyes with wonder.  He was experiencing the aural equivalent of looking a picture of two black silhouetted faces and suddenly seeing it as a picture of a white candlestick.  Or of looking at a lot of coloured dots on a piece of paper which suddenly resolve themselves into the figure six and mean that your optician is going to charge you a lot of money for a new pair of glasses.
He was still listening to the howling gargles, he knew that, only now it had somehow taken on the semblance of perfectly straighforward English."  - Douglas Adams (Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy) 

To me it looks like the dots have come back, even though everyone around me is still seeing the 6.  Perhaps I need new glasses?

Babel fish aside, I used to be good at communicating. I used to be really good at it. Good enough in fact that I majored in it in college, and did very well. I liked being able to make things clear that had otherwise been foggy. I used to enjoy taking a problem and breaking it down into steps and completing those steps. I used to be able to follow directions; when I called insurance companies with questions I was able to ask them clearly and I understood the answers without having to have them repeated to me over and over and over again. I was a high-school teacher for a while, and the kids got what I was saying, according to them, even more so at times then from other teachers - were they lying to me?  Well, they may have been...but that is beside the point.

A few years ago I could have conversations with friends and they understood my point, I could have a discussion with my husband and he understood my side, I could even answer my kids questions on God and philosophy and feel like they grasped something of what I was trying to say.

A few years ago I appeared intelligent while discussing politics or religion. I made people think about sides of subjects they had not thought of before. I had ideas, I had merit, I had qualifications. People came to me with questions and problems, knowing I would be willing to offer advice or ideas.

So why does it feel now, that I don't have any of that anymore? I will have an idea in my head and it comes out wrong, it comes out like I think others' ideas are wrong when I really don't. People are getting defensive, which makes me get defensive, which makes me frustrated because I think that they think I started this when I really really didn't. I am just confused as to why people are suddenly angry with me. I feel like Anne, trying to put the cow back, only to realize it is the wrong cow and now the mess is so much bigger, when all she was trying to do was desperately make it right again. I feel like a little kid, confused as to why I am getting yelled at and not knowing what I did or how to fix it. And the more I try to explain, the more I try to make myself clear, the worse it gets.

People don't ask for my help anymore, I know that I am overwhelmed by children and so sometimes it seems they are just trying to lighten my load, which I appreciate. But it means that nothing I do feels like it matters anymore outside of my four walls. My brain lives in the constant domestic fog of the housewife's equivalent of "lather, rinse, repeat." over and over and over again. So perhaps I am just out of practice talking to adults? I am used to the more one-sided conversations of me informing children of obligation or half listening to stories of butterflies and goblins while also taking care to not step on the screaming baby at my feet and trying to get lunch made in time. I have always been bad at waiting my turn in conversation, I think that comes from growing up in a family of 7. There is always noise so waiting until it is quiet to talk is ludicrous. But it means I interrupt too much, partially out of excitement that I have something intelligent to say...or I think so until I say it and then I realize I should have thought that one through a bit more. No wonder people lose patience with me.

I was cleaning a poopy cloth diaper out in the toilet the other day, spraying it clean again and realized suddenly that this was the most satisfaction I had gotten from a task in a long time. I was doing something that was difficult, and I was doing it well. And it had been so long since that part of my mind had been used that it felt like an old itch was being scratched, one I had forgotten was even there. And all I was doing was spraying poop off of a diaper...a new low, to be sure.

But you see, all those helpful people are right.  I can't take on anything else right now to scratch that itch because I really am overwhelmed by kids and house and laundry...oh so much laundry. And I truly want to be everything I can be in that role. So I am stuck, between intellectual stagnation and being a good mom...which makes the mommy guilt come out because does that mean I am not doing enough intellectually stimulating activities with my kids? But no...that is not it. We do things, but it stimulates them, not me. And I realize that this time will go fast and it will not always be this way...but then I feel as if I am not living in the moment again.

I want to go home.     

I know I am being cryptic, and I don't mean to be...but you see, there is no subject line. And even if there was, I am afraid I would have gotten it wrong again. Things are coming out gibberish without the fish. Or maybe it just sounds that way...I am not sure if I am the only one who has a fish or if mine is the only one that has been taken away. Or maybe I make the fish not work properly in other people, or mine is just sick and needs a vacation.

I am Mrs. Nesbit...and all the tea is gone. And I am not even drinking tea right now...

God, please help me through this time! I find myself saying that about 1000 times a day. "This too will pass" I chant desperately, but this is the wrong time in my life to be living to make time go faster. My baby girl is walking now, and I don't even hardly remember how it happened. My house is a mess and I have to cook dinner and my head hurts.


I used to joke that I had the attention span of my youngest child. That is why movies feel like too much of a commitment to me. Simple things, like a spider in a web completely fascinate me and I can't keep up with when the library books are due. Now apparently, I have lost my communication skills along with my attention capabilities. Perhaps all of my correspondence from now on should be in writing. I am better while writing. I can stop mid-sentence if I need to and think about how best to describe something. Or I can take whole entire paragraphs away if I decide that their tone was wrong or there were too many words. 

I feel like I never really recovered from my last pregnancy. Emotionally I was all over the map this last time,and I know all my thyroid issues have played a part in this as well. But how long can I hide behind a possible medical reason especially since my last test was "withing the realm of normal." I still don't feel normal. Is this the new normal that I just need to stop fighting and learn to live with? 

Perhaps this will not pass. If so, then have I wasted the last few months? I know I need to fix my attitude but I am not sure what direction it needs to go. Do I need to become more determined to win this? Who am I fighting? Why? Do I need to learn to let go and just be the person who I appear to have become to the best of my abilities, even though I don't like this person and I know my husband doesn't either. Is there a third option? Can there be please?

Damn it, the baby is awake. My window is closed. I got almost a whole cup of coffee down. My house is still a mess - but perhaps it is a good illustration for life right now.

My big girls 2012 interview

I finally got around to writing this up! My tradition is to “interview” the kids every year to see how they have grown and matured. The fun part is reading to them (After they answer each question) what they said last year. They love it! You can see their old answers here

 for Ayla and here for Taylor. I soon discovered I had to ask Ayla things first or she would just repeat what her sister said. She has discovered the joys of the echo game...

I tried as much as possible to write things just as they were said.

What is your name?

A: Ayla

T: Taylor Reynolds (must 1-up her sister)

A: Ayla Reynolds (will not be 1-upped)

How old are you?

A: Ummm...4

T: 6

When is your birthday?

T: April 24th

A: Umm....April 24^th! I don't know...

What does your mommy do all day? 

A: Clean the house (It sure feels like it some days!) Makes sure we are safe

T: Help Kaylee and helps us and play with us when it is Kaylee's naptime.

What does daddy do all day?

A: He makes sure Taylor's ants are ok (Taylor got an ant farm for her birthday, apparently it is very important to daddy in Aylas eyes.) He sleeps and he cleaned the livingroom 1 time! (yay daddy!)

T:He makes money for our family and he makes waffles...sometimes.

A: Mama, I want waffles, can you make us waffles please?

(Daddy will make us waffles tomorrow for breakfast because tomorrow is Saturday and that is waffle day.)

A:Ok

'What do you like to play with mommy?

A: Baby dolls and blocks

T: Oh I don't know, just stuff. Like watch biggest loser I guess?

What do you like to play with daddy?

A: I like to make rockets with Daddy!

T: Oooh, me too, me too! I say make rockets too!

What is your favorite color?

A: Blue, violet, green, purple, black, violet, **nonsense words** (What was that?) I was doing colors in Spanish. I have a hundred million favorite colors!

T: Pink and Purple

What do you want to be when you grow up?

A: An Elephant. And a Mommy (do you want to be an elephant mommy?) No, I just want to be a people elephant. A toy elephant.

T: A Spy

 Where do you want to live when you grow up?

A: Where God is. (God is everywhere) In this house. But I still want to be a kid when I grow up!

T: In California. Just where I live now. But not in the same house. I want to live close to you.

What is your favorite food?

A: Carrots and PB&J and tacos and burritos and tacos and burritos and tacos and...(this went on for a while) and carrots!

T: Vegetables and fruit. I don't know what kind though.

A: I like tomatoes the bestest! But I don't like tomatoes anymore, they are too juicy.

What is your least favorite food?

A: Blocks! Blocks is silly to eat huh mama. (Yes! That is very silly. They would not taste very good huh. What is your least favorite REAL food?) Movies! (I give up...)

T: I don't know, I guess it is tomatoes.

What is your favorite thing to eat at a restaurant?

A: Taco's and soda (I'm thinking we may have taco's for dinner today)

T: Chicken nuggets and french fries.

What are your sister's names?

A: Kaylee. … (do you have another sister?) Oh and Taylor!

T: Ayla and Kaylee

What do you like to play with your sisters?

A: Blocks and coloring and with Kaylee's baby toys

T: I like to play everything. I like to play school, that's all. Mama, I thought saying 'That's all, just school' would be funny. And I like to play Club House behind the chairs with Kaylee.

What are your friends names?

A: Eva and I don't have anymore school friends (What about church?) And Lilly from church.

T: Abriana and Kayla and Morgan and Gigi and Molly and Lilly from church.

What is your favorite thing to wear?

A: Books! And clothes, and bumblebee's, and happy faces! And those are enough.

T: Tank-tops and shorts. Those are my favorite summer clothes.

What is your favorite book?

A: Coloring. I like your coloring book mama. And we can color it with you.

T: I couldn't choose one and then I chose the Bible. It is the best book in the world and I Thank you Lord we have the freedom to read it. I wonder why you are not supposed to read it in other countries? (can you guess one of the conversations we had this morning after reading the Bible together?)

What is your favorite toy?

A: Once we had space-ship clothes and they were in a bag and we buyed them (I have no memory of this...) Do you remember we had rocket clothes mama? But now they are gone.

I like bubbles too.

T: My Fancy Nancy Doll

What is your favorite thing to help Mommy do?

A: Do the dishes

T: Clean the room and help with Kaylee

What is your favorite thing to do outside?

A: Make a tree house

T: slide

(kids are getting tired of answering questions)

Where do you like to go in the car?

A: Granny's house!

T: I knew you would say Granny's house Ayla! I like to go to a restaurant.

Where do you live?

A: I don't know (in a box?) No! (in an airplane) No, in a house mama! (oh, ok)

T: In a house, and I know my street address! (demonstrates this amazing ability)

Where do babies come from?

A: From Mama's

T: From Heaven. And then they go into the mama's tummies and then they go out and turn into babies

A: No Taylor. From Mama's

T: Yes Ayla. They really do. They are in heaven while God is making them. And then they go into the mama's tummies after God is all done making them. Like their mind is in heaven.

What do you like about being your new age?

A: Cuz I'm going to be 5?

T: I am going to get swimming lessons and going to 1^st grade.

What new things can you do now that you are your new age?

A: I wipe myself when I go poo poo. That's it. (A big deal!)

T: Whistle (demonstrates). Maybe I will learn to ride my bike without training wheels. Not make annoying sounds (looks at sister who is making an annoying sound) And not get my name on the board at school and.... I forgot.

Such big girls! So proud of them both. And I can't wait to watch them grow some more this year.

“Where you tend a rose, my lad, a thistle cannot grow” ― Frances Hodgson Burnett, The Secret Garden

I have a new theory. I call it: The "Calvin Effect" or would that be "Affect?" Lots of people around me are spelling/grammar hounds, and proud of it. Makes me a little scared I will confess... And, of course, very certain that if I ever do actually publish something for real that I will have editors coming out my ears and there is NO WAY any book of mine will go out with even the slightest of typo's.

Until then? Or is it than...

I would go look them all up and make sure that I have the actual proper usage of all my appendages, but I am four sips into my glass of wine, and lightweight that I am it has already made me too sleepy...or is it to?

I swear I had no intention on starting this post with a grammar lesson, or rather an anti-grammar lesson. I will admit, seeing one of my major life short-comings glaring at me from the page in the form of red squiggly lines every time I do something that I like, perhaps better then most things in the world...is a bit hard to take sometimes. I know my spelling is atrocious, I know my grammar is sorely lacking. I even know that I use ... and - far too often, if only to avoid knowing whether or not I should have used a ;. darn ;! And please, no long lists of how all my grammatically induced literary questions really are properly supposed to be. I know you want to do it! For me, just this one time, resist and purposefully spell a word incorrectly in a public setting. I dare you!

Heehee, perhaps I am feeling a bit fiendish tonight? Ah, now I think just to prove it, I shall misspell a word purposefully somewhere on this page! But you won't know if it was a mistake or something I have done just to bother you. Perhaps I shall now do that in every single one of my posts and see how long the hounds can resist braying?

Alright - I make fun. But to be honest I fully respect you people that have an eye to see and a mind to remember. I wish I was more like you. I can write so people want to read, however - I lose part of my audience because it is sometimes hard to read. I understand this, it makes me feel sad. But I am going to say that at 2 weeks shy of 30 years old I am better off hiring an editor then attempting to fix it all, at least for the moment. I am afraid it is ingrained in me. Perhaps it is laziness on my part? Perhaps it is that most days getting through to bedtime without completely collapsing out of exhaustion is a huge endeavor and adding grade-school lessons into that equation makes me laugh that scary laugh that makes my husband think twice about not institutionalizing me while he had the chance.  Ok, so I use run-on sentences too... I also end sentences in prepositions. ALL THE TIME. And I use too many words, just in general. You could go through my past posts and likely cut down each of their lengths by at least 2/3rds and have every bit of the important information fully intact.

I'll have you know, as a mark of good will, I just went back over that last sentence and took a word out of it...and then I went over it again and added like 7 more. Hopeless I tell you!

Alright - so now that I have wasted all that above space by writing about a completely UN-planned subject, and all in about 10 minutes and half a glass of wine I might add...Let us on to the subject I meant to write about when I sat down...which has now lost some of it's appeal and I am starting to wonder why I sat down to write about it in the first place.

Ah, yes. The Calvin Affect. Or perhaps it should be Tom? You know the one I mean. Or Mary Lennox, or Wile E Coyote? What do all these have in common you ask? What all these put together tells me very plainly, is that I think today's childrens books suck. Yes, I said it.

My Taylor has recently been given some new books - some even by me. And with her Birthday money she purchased a new movie. Now, I have never encouraged exceptionally "girly" toys. But to be fair, I have never discouraged them either. I wanted my kids to like what THEY liked. Not what anyone told them they should like. Now, my kids have their fair share of baby dolls and princess toys, cute teddy bears and pink, so much pink. But pink is REALLY hard to avoid when you have little girls, I know because that I did try, and failed.

I remember playing with My Little Ponies. With my baby doll and with barbies and miniatures growing up. Though I will admit that a good deal of my play with the barbie involved things such as, attending pterodactyl/doll weddings and my baby doll was truly horrid and was constantly running away from home. The My Little Ponies...well to be honest I don't remember much about what they did. Perhaps they were perfectly normal My Little Ponies? Oooh! And Pound Puppies! Remember those? I went through a Pound Puppy phase for sure. Most of my play as a child was with little plastic lions and tigers that had extremely complex personalities and magical powers. Rather unisex as toys go I suppose.

I will admit, when I became a parent I never gave much thought to "girl" centered toys as being dangerous. After all, I played with them and I seem to be ok. Alright, so that is still up for deliberation. But I seem to have well adjusted children so far, so I must not be too messed up! (See? Preposition.) Those things would come out somewhere. But even when the whole "we are a Disney princess centered society and it is ruining our children!"thing came out I mostly scoffed and moved on, not giving it a second thought. I give my kids more credit then that.

However, I am starting to change my mind. It all started about a year ago when the "new" My little Ponies started coming out. This is also about the same time my beloved child entered Kindergarten. We were playing in the toys at Target. Oh yes, I am THAT parent. Rainy day? Go play at Target! And I pushed a button on a giant purple pony. Only to hear "I am the prettiest girl in the library!" come floating out of her perfect plastic lipsticked pony lips. I was shocked. Suddenly I had an almost uncontrollable urge to go out of the store directly and burn my bra for all to see! Ok, perhaps not. But I really was shocked. I pushed the button again and heard another less shocking phrase. Something to the effect of "You're my best friend" or something....

But the damage had been done. And it didn't end there. Since then I have noticed it everywhere. Sickeningly sweet messages pouring out of toys, movies, books, t-shirts, posters, etc. All geared towards little girls. Designed to make them feel warm and fuzzy and not at all rejected. Designed to make sure they stay sweet and kind and that they treat everyone equally and encourage others when they feel sad and be nice and compliment everyone ALL of the time And most of all...DON'T say anything that could possibly be misconstrued as mean or hurtful or not PC. And make sure we build up their precious self-esteem! It is the idea of Monkey see, Monkey do. If we show our girls how they SHOULD behave and how wonderful they make others feel, and how nice it feels to be nice all of the time to everyone...they will. Right?   

But see, I don't think it works.

I know lots of woman my age that say one of the most damaging things to them growing up was watching soap operas. You know why? Because just as we bash in today's glamorous magazine bodies as "fake" and "giving us an un-realistic view of ourselves" Soaps do the same thing for relationships.  I will even go so far as to compare it to the porn industry giving guys an unrealistic idea of girls and sex. But we know all that...right?

Then why are we doing the exact same thing emotionally to our baby girls? Why do we allow them to read books where the bad girls always reform in 10 pages or less and become the best friend of the main girl who was nice from the beginning? What if our daughter is not the prettiest girl in the library? Our kids are smart guys, they KNOW when they are being fed a load of crap. They know it just like we know "Brock" will likely not chase after us into the night just to unload his "feelings" and swear undying love. Or whatever soap opera's are about...is it bad that I am writing this and I'll admit I am not sure I have ever actually sat through one whole episode?

We know all this, and yet we still feel cheated. And you know what? So do they. But it doesn't come out in depression or even a laughable conversation with their girlfriends. It comes out in needless "drama" on the playground. "Such and such said I am not the prettiest girl in the library!" Well, let us gang up on her! Make her feel just as bad as she made us feel! Then sides are taken and words are said and the mean girl doesn't change her ways...because everyone is now the mean girl AND the nice girl depending on who you ask. And are you telling me that at the end of each day, these kids are not magically encouraging each other and braiding one anothers' hair because "it is the right thing to do and we all FEEL so good when we are nice and kind and understanding and make sure everyone has high self-esteem...?" And the cycle continues. And it doesn't make sense to me why we are not changing this tactic, because it is obviously not working.

Now I know that all these attitudes are not a new thing. But what does seems new to me, is that fact that these attitudes are not going away once adulthood starts anymore. I am flabbergasted at the things so-called adults are making a scene about. Petty, useless, meaningless things that are creating enemies among adults and pointless "drama" because "such and such said I am not the prettiest girl in the library."

Am I making any sense here? Perhaps it is just because I am 2 weeks shy of 30. I am getting older, and therefore I have less patience with any kind of behavior that is childish in my head. Maybe that makes me just as bad as the rest of them. Am I the one saying Such and Such is not fillintheblank?

Maybe. But I will be real here for a moment: I really, honestly don't care who the prettiest girl in the library is. I know for sure it is not me, it is probably not you either. It doesn't matter. What matters is what you make of yourself. How you behave. Do you have self control? How is your attitude? And when those things are not where they should be, what do you do about it? Do you sulk, pout, put others down, make excuses for your behavior and try to rationalize it in your head? Or do you politely excuse yourself and go and re-focus? do you learn from your behavior, from the behavior of others? Because we never stop learning. I would even venture to say that as soon as someone says they have mastered their attitude, that they don't create the drama, that is a red flag indicating the very opposite. We are all works in progress. So no, you are not the prettiest girl in the library. We are all learning together to be the people we are supposed to be. THAT is what I want to teach my girls. I get confused. I get angry. I don't have the answers to some of the stupid life questions that are out there. Sometimes I make wrong choices and I screw up. Sometimes I need to apologize, and what a gift it is to be able to say "I was wrong!" Isn't that amazing? That when we make mistakes we get to go back and say we are sorry? I Love it! We are not held captive by our mistakes. We can learn from them!

Today, Taylor and I were having a conversation. We have been working on being bossy lately. I told her that Mama is still learning not to be bossy. I told her that not being bossy (or an arrogant know-it-all) is one of the things God is still teaching me everyday and I am still learning everyday. That in my life I have chosen to be bossy to other people and that it has sometimes caused them to choose not to be my friend. I told her that I missed out, on some very good friends because I chose to not think of them first, and I chose to be bossy instead of being kind. Her eyes got very wide. "Mama,when you learned how to not be bossy, did you find those people and say you were sorry?" she asked?

Wow. Talk about a blow I was not expecting! Umm, to be honest? Not very many. I need to. "Some of them." I was able to tell her, "but not all. I still need to apologize to some of them." I am still learning. "And did they forgive you when you said you were sorry?" She asked, still amazed. "Yes! They forgave me." How wonderful to be forgiven!

Everyone knows about Calvin. You know, the one with the tiger? And Tom, and Mary - well, not everyone knows about her.  Where am I going with this you ask?

We don't learn from watching other people do the right thing. Not as well anyhow. Just look at the Bible, full of mistakes. There are very few stories in the Bible, short of Jesus - where the main character does everything right and because of him being so very "Good" all the bad people change their ways and become good too. Now remember, I said aside from Jesus. That is basically what Jesus did, so I say he was the great exception. I will argue that the shock factor of him being so good was just the thing that made his story different. Of course, it could also be argued, that by taking on the sins of the world, he was the very worst of the lot. But that is a whole debate in and of itself.

No, most Bible stories are full of people screwing things up royally. We learn from watching other people's mistakes. And not just the mistakes of the "bad guys." No, the mistakes of the good guys. David, Sampson, Moses, Solomon, shall I go on?

Calvin is backwards. He does everything wrong, tries to get away with it all. We laugh, we cry, we are entertained. And guess what. I don't think that - aside from your odd sociopath, anyone has ever become a terrible person just because they read those stories.

I think, the most effective lessons we learn when we are young, are the ones we learn from the fictional "terrible kids." The ones with the biggest attitudes, the ones that lie, cheat, ditch class (Farris?). We laugh while we learn, and that makes us learn all the better because we don't even know we are learning. Barbie didn't learn any lasting lessons from preventing the magic love spell from making whats-her-name marry Ken. The fairies made her forget it all! And by watching that show,our girls learn nothing aside from that we judge someone based on how we think they perceive us because of how we look - even though she was perfectly kind and sweet and polite the whole time. But in one short page, or even a quarter page, Calvin learns the hard way, about pretty much everything: And even when he doesn't learn, we do. I would even venture to say we learn the lessons better when Calvin doesn't.       

Perhaps it is just me, but he even has the "how to be" thrown in there occasionally:

All in all - I think we are doing it wrong. I think that all these "goody-2-shoes" movies, songs, books, etc. are hurting us. It is not real, it does nothing to prepare us for life. It does nothing to equip us with tools, it does nothing to teach us right and wrong or how the world is. It does nothing even to protect our innocence just a little bit longer. It hurts all that. It makes us shallow, it makes us care about things that don't matter. Calvin is terrible. He doesn't obey, he steals is parent's car. He is mean - but we learn!

Ayla has become quite the comedian lately. The other day I was asking her to do something - I can't even remember now what it was. She responded with a joke, but within that joke she was not doing as she was told. I told her again, she again responded with something funny, designed to make me laugh. Again, she did not obey. I stopped what I was doing. I got on her level, I told her she was being disrespectful and that was not acceptable behavior. She needed to obey NOW or she needed to go into her room until she had fixed her attitude. She responded with "No, you need to go into your room!" mimicking my tone in a happy joking fashion, obviously trying to make me laugh - as I had been as she had made jokes all day. I will admit, it was so ludicrous I had trouble not laughing. But she was being disrespectful, she was not obeying. And funny as she may think that she is, attitudeis all that mattered to me. So I sent a giggling, happy girl into her room, to tears and a cry of being utterly betrayed by her mother who was not affirming her desire to be funny. Did I hurt her self-esteem? Will she now, not attempt any jokes because I have squashed that in her? Nope, she is funny as ever. I asked her what I should put in her hair a little while ago and she said "I want a dingle hopper in my hair today!" The girl cracks me up!

Last week Taylor lost another fish. For my sensitive girl, this is a big deal. I want to protect her. I want to make the hurt go away. I want to surround her with things that are fuzzy and happy and that poop rainbows so she never has to feel horrible again. But you know what? I think that would be wrong of me. Instead I will let her sit with her grief, we will bury her friend and probably eventually buy her a new fish, knowing it will die too. And so we learn what real grief is, little by little. We learn how to make it through the hard times and still come out a whole person at the end of it. A hurt person, a grieving person, but a whole one. I hope and pray she never has to use these lessons in the real world. Knowing that is a futile prayer, but I still pray it. And we will buy another fish, and we will practice some more. Giving hugs and cuddles and being real with our emotions. Because sometimes we need to do that.

Maybe that is one of my problems with all this. Strawberry shortcake is not as good at leaping high like Lemon whats-her-name. So she is sad. And everyone around her joins forces to "make strawberry shortcake feel better!" they practice together, even the ones that are already good at it, just to help boost her low self-esteem. And at the end she is leaping with the best of them! But you see, that is not how it should be. This is something Strawberry needed to work out on her own. She needed to find the motivation herself to keep going, even when it is hard. I am not saying that her friends can't help, but SHE needs to be the driving force, because honestly, in the real world, her friends are not going to do that. And even if they did, what happens the next time she comes across something that is hard and they are not there? What will she do?

However, when something is truly wrong. Say Strawberry lost her grandmother, or her best friend moved away. I am so very glad to know her friends will be there. I want to teach my kids to be there when someone is hurting. But not manually hold someone up that needs to learn how to stand on their own a little bit. Does that makes sense?

And so we are all still learning. Always learning.