Friday, March 30, 2012

Sloop John B

"Though you are homeless, though you're alone. I will be your home.
Whatever's the matter, whatever's been done. I will be your home.

I will be your home. I will be your home.
In this fearful fallen place. I will be your home."  - Lyrics by Michael Card

You know that tired you feel, as you are walking to the car after a long day at Disneyland? The fun is all over, every bone in your body hurts, you are as fussy as the kids. You really want to complain the whole way, though you know it would do no know you are almost to a place where you have to drive in a car for three hours in order to actually be home in your bed. But all you can think about is just getting to the car so you can sit for a little while?

Yeah, that is how I feel right now at 8:55 in the morning. My body is beat up, my head is pounding. My eyes are a little blurry and all I want to do is just be home in my bed. Of course technically I could be in my bed right now. Ayla has a show and I just put Kaylee down for a nap. But usually her naps last about 30 minutes (at most) so that means I only have about 17 minutes left and by the time I laid down and closed my eyes she would be waking up again. I get angry at my kids when they wake me when I am trying to rest, and I hate being angry at my kids just for needing me. So that means I don't take rests.

Instead I am sitting at the computer drinking a very large cup of coffee. My second very large cup of the day.

As far back as I can remember, regardless of my present physical location; whenever I was in a hard place in life, the phrase "I want to go home" would always go through my head. Sometimes over and over. I imagine it is my mind's interpretation of the unspoken need to crawl up into the lap of Daddy God and let out the breath it feels I have been holding for too long. I forget to breath sometimes. It is very bad for living, the whole forgetting to breath thing. Makes it very difficult.   

The last few days, no the last few weeks have been like that. But the last few days have been worse. I was sick all last week. An "I want to just lie in bed and sleep" sick. But I couldn't just lie in bed, I had to make sure my house still worked and my children were still cared for. Try being sick, laying on the couch, but every time you take that "I am going to sit and rest" breath you have to jump up and rescue the baby from a previously unseen choking hazard or bring her back from crawling down the hall or out the back door the big kids left open. You can't keep the house clean because rescuing the baby is taking all of your energy, which means it becomes less and less safe, which means you have to rescue the baby more and more, all while feeling yourself winding tighter and tighter, unable to end the cycle or even stop for a moment to brainstorm how the cycle could be ended because just dealing with what is RIGHT in front of you is taking everything in you. Only to finally sit, and have your 4 year old ask with those big eyes to "please sit on your lap." Of course you say yes, because she has been neglected and yelled at one to many times in the last few hours for leaving paper on the floor AGAIN (which I then have to fish out of the baby's mouth). So she sits - only to have to make her get up because you realize you are late to another doctor appointment, or lunch has to be made, or big sister has to be picked up from school, or the baby has discovered she is now tall enough to reach the items piled on the next higher shelf...oh goodness my coffee is cold. Hold on, I have to go heat it up again...

This week the baby has been sick, fever hitting over 104 and not sleeping well. I feel so bad for her, snot everywhere - flushed cheeks and coughing. Wants mama to hold her, I don't blame her - and she wants to nurse constantly. But lately when she nurses she pinches - HARD. She takes a very tiny amount of skin either on my chest or under the arm that is holding her and pinches it in her tiny fingers. It hurts so much it makes my eyes water and I have yelped more then one time. But she is not aware she is doing it. She will do it when she is sleeping, it is not like biting where I can just pull her in close or say "no biting" and end the session. She has no idea why I am yelping or why I am not letting her nurse (or why I keep grabbing her hand). Which stresses her out, which makes her want to nurse (and pinch) more. Which stresses me out... and the cycle continues.

I want to go home!

"Please help me God, I am losing it!" has been going through my head a lot lately. It is about as fancy a prayer as I have had it in me to fashion.  And it has helped, I think... At the very least it helps me know I am not all alone.

There is the Monkey. She made it....35 minutes this time. A good long nap! I almost got one cup of coffee finished and Ayla has only come in and interrupted me 4 times (I counted) as good a break as any I suppose.

Thank you God for a break - for a place to vent. Thank you for your lap where I can breath, for a home I can rest in. Thank you for a warm sunny day, for a warm sunny Friday! Thank you for the weekend to come and please help me find rest in it somewhere. Thank you for a baby that is better today (first day in almost 2 weeks with no fever!) Thank you for a 4 year old that still loves to sit on my lap, and give me more energy to fill her needs. Thank you for a car that is working, a living room that is clean and vacuumed (make that 5 times interrupted) and a kitchen stocked with food. Thank you for a loving husband that works long hours to feed his family (and that wakes me with a kiss, turns on the shower for me and makes me breakfast and coffee every morning). Thank you for the many, many baskets of clean laundry - and a working washer and dryer. Thank you for a cup, make that 2 cups of coffee today. Thank you for my kids, I love them so very much. And while they may drive me crazy, I wouldn't trade that crazy for the world (make that 6 times). Please help me to find rest today and this weekend. Give me your incredible strength to make it through, your patience so I can be a good mom. And your peace that I can always go to you, and you will be my home.

"I will bring you home. I will bring you home.
From this fearful fallen place,
I will bring you home. I will bring you home"

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