Thursday, February 9, 2012

Arise my love

“It is by loving, and not by being loved, that one can come nearest the soul of another; yea, that, where two love, it is the loving of each other, that originates and perfects and assures their blessedness. I knew that love gives to him that loveth, power over over any soul be loved, even if that soul know him not, bringing him inwardly close to that spirit; a power that cannot be but for good; for in proportion as selfishness intrudes, the love ceases, and the power which springs therefrom dies. Yet all love will, one day, meet with its return. ”
― George MacDonald, Phantastes

Read it again. Go ahead, read it again more slowly this time. This is not your tea cakes and dandy sort of quote. This is one I want you to read, read again. Think on it and read it one more time. So go ahead, read it again.

This part, "for in proportion as selfishness intrudes, the love ceases." Is that not amazing? I think I could chew on that part alone for days. 

Guess what, I got laptop! Is that not so very grand? I admit this whole typing on flat laptop keys is throwing me off. But it is easier then typing with one finger of my left hand while I hold a squirming baby in the other. Since I can now take my computer with me I feel I can say with almost certainty that I shall begin to post on Thursday nights. I do not always post on facebook when I update. So don't forget to look here.

That being said, it is February 9th. Do you know what February 9th is? Well, it is the day after my Fathers birthday. And in a few short days my niece will turn 5, and my daughter will turn 4. My sister will be 19 at the end of the month and there is a good chance I will be planting my garden before the month is done.

But none of that is why I am writing here today. You see, early next week is Valentines day. Since it is such a controversial holiday, I thought I would offer my own 2cents in here. That is in fact, something I am very good at.

Goodness my coffee is almost gone! off to get more...hold on. I have discovered the secret is, at the moment, I do best looking at my keyboard while typing. I will get it soon enough. Just not yet.

So I could fill my valentines day post talking about the ins and outs of the arguments supporting and bashing the big V-day. But honestly I come from the side of very much enjoying any reason to celebrate at all. So while some call it Singles Awareness Day or Buy Your Sig. Other a Present Day or A Holiday Invented By the Greeting Card Companies Day. I simply say, seize the opportunity to give a hug to those you love and eat cookies. Because single or coupled, everyone loves cookies! I'm eating one right now with my coffee actually. As you should be.

I am certain I have told you the story. You know, the one where I met my wonderful, amazing husband? Go back to a past May post and I am certain it is there. No, I do not want to tell you what has been. I want to tell you what is.

I can remember before I fell in love I had a theory. Marriage, it can't be 50/50. Because then you are keeping half of yourself to yourself. No, I swore that when I took the proverbial plunge I wanted it to be 100/100. I wanted to be all in, drowning or rather, breathing my husband. Now I am not saying that this meant I would lose myself. Not in the least. It meant that he held me and I held him. The pieces were whole, they just belonged to someone else now. There was no less of each of us, no loss of identity. Things were just shifted around a little. And by him holding on to me and I to him that meant we trusted one another completely. That is, after all, a very dangerous place to be. But I wanted to laugh in the face of that danger!

I was not wrong.

How did you know he was the one? I have heard that question. What married couple hasn't? Alright, I'll bite. I didn't. About 2 years into our relationship I remember asking myself if he was. I remember thinking yes...but there being a nagging feeling asking if I was wrong. After all, I was young. I had a life to live, a person to become. I remember going back to that nagging place pretty often. I wanted to feel it, I wanted to know why it was there and what it meant. Then one day, wise as I was about relationships and such, I decided to think on this as I was waiting for a show to start. We had done the set-up (I was involved in lots of shows in college) all we had to do was wait for the time. My mind wandered in the direction of my future, who knows why. And I reached for that doubt...only to discover it wasn't there.

I laughed out loud!

I remember walking outside, I needed to get out of the closed doors, but the doubt was still gone. Instead it has been replaced. No, not by love.

I have never been a mushy person and I don't plan on starting now.

No, it was replaced by the feeling that if I were to lose him, I would lose a part of what made me want to be me. I would not lose myself, God holds those keys. But you see, I am certain that if something were to happen to him, I would not fall in love again. Not because my self has been lost in him. But because my 100% is in is hands.Without him, is without my 100%. I can function, but the world has lost it's color.

I believe I have told you before that the reason I knew I was in love was not because of a feeling. I really don't feel all that strongly and when I do I don't trust it. Too many things can affect feelings, changing hormones, a bad day, etc. It was because I saw a rainbow. I saw a rainbow and instead of simply enjoying it the first thing I wanted to do was show it to him. And I don't mean to sound mushy, but without him there was no reason for the rainbow to have had any beauty at all. Then I knew for sure that I loved him.

Goodness I am not making sense. Or perhaps I am, but it is not coming out like I want it to. This was far less mushy in my mind.

I said earlier that I wanted to give 100%. But you see, that is just half of it. I demand a lot too.

I am not high maintenance in the general sense of the word. I could care less if my house and car look really nice. Though despite my best efforts and general proof to the contrary, I do like them to be clean. I do not care if I have designer items. I don't want to be treated to expensive dinners. I could care less if I get flowers and while compliments are nice, they are not really necessary. I do not get jealous and I do not nag. (I know, I asked. And I know that he would tell me truthfully.) I like it when my husband helps around the house but I do know that as a stay at home mom the dishes, laundry and vacuuming are my responsibility.

So what do I demand? Better yet, what do I ask of him.

I ask that my husband be the man of the house. And he is, 100%. I ask that he be a good father, and he is, 100%. I ask that he be responsible with our money, I ask that he be my confidant and listen to my pointless stories. I ask that he tells me his hopes, his dreams and what he did at work that day. I ask that he doesn't hurt me intentionally with words, and he never has. I ask that he use his skills to create and he does. I ask that he be home as soon as he possibly can from work because I love it when he is here. I ask that he let me put my cold feet on his warm legs and he always lets me, though he does squeal sometimes when I do it. I ask that he not put his cold hands on my warm belly and he usually doesn't.... I ask that he nurture his relationship with God, because without that he has no 100% to give. I ask that he bring me coffee in the morning. And he always does, 100% - in fact he also wakes me every morning with a kiss, turns on the shower for me, warms a towel in the dryer, makes me breakfast and rubs my sore neck every morning too. How is that for 100%? He gives me a hug when I cry for no reason, or for all the reasons in the world. He has given me 3 beautiful baby girls and he loves them so much. He sings silly songs, usually self written. He tells me he likes me at least 10 times a day and he tells me he loves me every time we say goodbye, even if just for the night. He brings me ice-water whenever he thinks I would like it. He looks at me in that way where I know what he is thinking and I love it. He buys me all the cool gadgets, which I think is pretty amazing for a gadget guy. We have way more private jokes then anyone could know (Just ask the leprechaun) and he likes to bring them up at the perfect time to make me laugh like crazy. He prays for me in the morning, which I think is so very amazing and he thinks I have a sexy butt. I know, he told me.

There is no question in my mind I have his 100%. And I am planning on holding onto it for him until we are old and gray. Because that my friends, is what Valentines day is all about. Giving 100%, even when you don't want to.

Well, that and eating cookies.

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