Insanity

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
 - Albert Einstein

I have a pet peeve. Ok, so I have several. But since complaining happens to be one of them, I try not to dwell too much on them. Ok, so this blog is one of the few places I allow myself to dwell a bit...but on to the point:

I have one really big pet peeve. Big to the point where there have been times I have wanted to cause physical harm to those that display this behavior....for the record I have never done that. But I have wanted too. This peeve is big to the point where I very much want to walk out of the room every time it happens. I hate it when this is done in jest, since there is all too often a little too much truth to this jest. I really hate it when this is done in earnest. When this happens over and over again in one conversation, that is the very worst, and I have no idea how to handle it.

I hate it, with a passion, when people put themselves down.


I hate it when people put themselves down physically. I hate it when they cut themselves up emotionally or list their self thought-out short-comings to the point of self abuse. I hate it when they laugh at themselves in a nasty way, or when they can't hear a compliment or take admiration because they are so far into the pit of self-hate they have created that they cannot recognize the truth when it hits them like a shoe in the face. I hate it even more then when people are boastful or self indulged, though I will argue that self-depreciation is a form of self-indulgence. But when hateful self-damaging comments spout from someone so casually that you know their brain is working at it constantly and you are hearing only what spills out? Then I want to take them by the shoulders and shake them while yelling, "You are more then this!"

I was at a social gathering recently, one in which I knew exactly 1 person. That 1 person I knew well, but there were many others around of whom I knew exactly zero. One of the members of said social gathering had a tendency to put themselves down. Now, it happened once and I smiled, not really sure if this was a joke I was expected to laugh at or whether I was expected to come back with an encouraging "don't say that, I am sure you have many talents" or something to that effect. 

A word of warning? I will never flatter just for the sake of flattery. Ever. I think it is insulting and cheap and I refuse to play that game. This means that when I give you a compliment, you can know that it is always something I truly believe. I hope it holds more weight that way. I really do.

Back to the subject at hand - I had known this person for approx. 11.3 minutes when I first noticed this behavior and felt immediately trapped and deeply saddened by it. If I am to find these comments funny then that means that this person has made an assumption about my character that I don't like. I would like them to know I am generally a kind person that does not judge or criticize or find humor in other people's folly. This means my first inclination might be to compliment them, claim the self-statement they just made to be false. Whatever form of "I'm sure you have many talents" comes to me fastest.

But no, you see - I also hate to be manipulated. And whether this person meant it or not, was aware of it or not...this was a form of manipulation. So I smiled just a little and changed the subject, praying it would not come up again.

My prayer was not answered that night.

It came up again, and again, and again. I never once offered empty encouraging words, claiming a relationship there is no way I could have had - knowledge about the person's life, habits, hobbies and/or abilities be hanged. "I will make them take back every self inflicted wound and force them to love themselves again!" Never crossed my mind.
 
Perhaps it was rude of me?

But honestly I am sometimes certain I am missing some crucial social cues. I think it comes from being home schooled honestly. There are things you are "supposed" to say to certain comments here in America. A dance of sorts, somewhat like the "oh I will get the check this time" dance you play at the end of a dinner out with friends. It is cultural, social, etc. The norm that everyone knows. 'A' happens and you respond with 'B'.  I remember studying people in social settings very closely while in High school. I was a student of people. I had only a few hours a week to make sure that I "got it all" as far as how a normal high-schooler was supposed to act. I can remember piecing together the personality that I wanted to emulate, based on what I admired of other people. That is probably why my mother worried she would lose me if I had been given the opportunity to be a normal kid in high school. She recognized parts of what I would present as my own, as parts of those I had recently been around. And perhaps she is right. I was experimenting with personality, "finding myself" if you will. Watching how others reacted to different quirks, comments, gestures. Watching the body language of those that presented themselves as confidant and mimicking that, regardless of how I felt. And watching those that displayed self loathing or simple naivety and working to avoid that. I also watched the people I did not want to be like. The mean kids, the ones that seemed to be going no where, the ones that could be counted as the "wrong crowd". I was a very practical person and I was usually aware of my future, unaware as I was of where I would be in the years to come. I wanted to be prepared emotionally, physically and socially. I wanted to know what and who to avoid. What behaviors indicated what habits. I also watched how others reacted socially to me and how it was different and why, and I worked to change myself until I got the reactions I wanted. It worked.

I still watch people. Public speakers, authority figures, people whom everyone just loves - seeing what they do, say; how they dress, act. It is why I love doing monologues, one of the reasons I love theatre so much. The world is your textbook. And there are endless opportunities for practice.

Perhaps my past practice is why I see this sort of thing in people. And why it bothers me so much. Why would someone present themselves as someone who dislikes themselves, especially since there is a very good chance that is not true. Was this person aware of what they were doing, who they were presenting? Was I getting the real them or a picture, either purposefully or not.  I"m not sure, and perhaps that is what bugs me. I still have no idea who they are, regardless of how much time we spent together.

I realize - I do not care what people think of the real me, the true me. So long as I am being the person I feel I was created to be. However, it bothers me when I am perceived incorrectly. And on the flip-side of things, it bothers me greatly when I feel I am perceiving someone else incorrectly. I know this "put myself down" all the time is a subset of one of America's standard created personalities. One of the "in the box" ones that people adopt either because they believe it, they are in the habit of it or because of issues they have with their childhood - and please don't think I am judging. If there is another category I have missed please let me know. I do not mean to offend, I do offend on accident sometimes I have discovered. And know you have my deepest apologies, as I said I do not always say what I am supposed to say. Perhaps I need more study-time?

I also do not count in this category the ability to see ones own limits. I am a terrible dancer. This is a fact. Ask anyone who has seen me that has any knowledge in this field. It is truth. Now, if I said this 12 times a day, whining about it. Wishing I was a better dancer but never ever going out and doing the work to become one? Then you may take me by my shoulders and give me a good shake. And if I ever do fall into that habit please do! On the other side of this I will claim I am a good cook. I have been told this, most people especially like the bread I bake. I love baking bread. But if I were to bake a loaf and immediately say "I really suck at baking bread" to a chorus of "No, this is really good!" every time? Would that not be manipulation?  Now, sometimes my bread comes out crappy because I am terrible at following a recipe. I feel it limits me. But that is my own thing to work on...


Am I making any sense? Is this all just me being overly sensitive?

Einstein said that to expect different results while doing the same thing over and over is insanity. I disagree. I call it blind hope. And I call bluff to those of you that do it in the form of insulting yourself. We all do it every so often - but I mean if it is a part of your normal conversation. And listen the next time you meet someone new as that first impression we present can be so important. I have started listening. Ah yes, listening. Perhaps that is the lesson in all this. And once again I must cut my post short because the restaurant is closing. So I leave you with the wisdom of the ages:

A wise old owl lived in an oak
The more he saw the less he spoke
The less he spoke the more he heard.
Why can’t we all be like that wise old bird?

 - Author Unknown

Why granola?

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-Mark Twain

I have never been one to jump on the latest fad diet bandwagon. I know there is truth to many and health - more or less - in most. But I will admit that when one or most of my friends are singing the praises of the new "south adkins blood-type super clean power diet" I mostly just roll my eyes. Ok, I'll admit that is not very nice. But neither is making me feel like a terrible mother because I serve my children products made with white flour or gluten or whatever else is evil at the moment. Honestly, at the base of it all, they seem to be all the same to me. Sure there are differences. But the basics are  - eat more things that were once alive, eat less things that were once in a factory.

Lately I have been terrible at the whole "eat living things"...oh goodness that sounds terrible! Not that "eat dead things" is much better...but you all know what I mean. My kids are good at it, I am pretty careful about what they eat. I am a "do as I say..." I am embarrassed to admit. Or I wait until they are resting...

I am even now drinking coffee at Panara bread and eating cookies. Cookies I am quite certain were never, and will never be alive. They are completely terrible for me and they taste magnificent. Usually when I get on a bad route such as this I have to cut out desserts entirely for a while. That time is coming, I can feel it. I hate that time. But for today, the cookies I eat. Desserts are really the only thing that holds me back. I find it very easy to eat healthy meals...I just want a big giant bowl of ice cream afterward!

I do like being healthy, and I have been wanting to write a post lately about some of the ways I am healthy as well as some of the tree-hugger, natural things I try to do and how I have managed to save money doing it. I doubt very much I will finish this post tonight - But be patient, the rest will come soon enough. 

Now, I will contradict myself. You know how I just poked fun at those that follow the latest health trend? Well, I am not ashamed to admit that I fall under a category that is known as "crunchy." Why it is called that I have no idea. Perhaps because it can easily be put into the different stages. "instant oatmeal, a sprinkling of granola, chock-full-of-nuts....errr." or just "crunchy" I suppose there are more categories then that, but it is getting late and I can feel my creativity lacking tonight. Probably too many cookies. And please know, these are all the choices I have made. "Mommy Guilt" is rampant and often un-necessary. So long as kids are being loved and well cared for I do not judge what other moms do or do not choose to do.

Why am I granola-e you ask? Well, most of you won't ask. Most of you are just wondering why I am  stating the obvious and eventually just checking the time and/or facebook again - you have moved on. This is a boring post after all. Nothing new will be learned here. Alright - call this just a self list then. I like to have this sort of thing written down and organized. It is the influence of my mother in law. I like being organized! And someday I will be....

But for now, to answer the un-asked question (because after all that, I couldn't get anyone to ask it after all. The ones that are still here are only there to make sure that I list everything, so that if I do forgot an item they can remind me of it). 

Well, first off,  I have natural labors and deliveries of my babies. I don't have them at home, though had there been a local in-home mid-wife in my town I may have. I wish I had this last time. It would have spared us tons of frustration and un- necessary and very evasive medical procedures.

I breastfeed my babies and I will breastfeed my babies wherever is needed and for as long as it is a positive thing for both of us - my last child was weaned at 2. I am a "baby-wearer"which basically means that if I can be holding my child, I will be. There is no reason for them to sit in a carseat at the store when I can put them in a carrier on me. There is no reason for me to put my baby down, when I can be holding her. I want to drink in my little babies as much as possible. I want to smell them and give them kisses and hugs and let them be as close to me as they can for as long as they want. I personally believe that this is how secure children are created. I don't think it comes from forcing them to "learn to self-sooth" at 2 months. Security is born by knowing they are safe and that their call will be answered. I will admit though, that as my kids get close to that half-year mark I do let them fuss for a few minutes as they go to sleep, or while I eat dinner. 15 minutes of fussing while I spend some much needed time with my big kids will not hurt them, and so I do that without guilt. I tell my big girls that "they sometimes have to wait while I do things for the baby, she can wait while I do something nice for them." She will be just fine.

I cloth diaper. I have gotten soooo many interesting responses to this over the years. There are people that are really really against cloth diapers and they will beg their friends not to do it. The funny thing is, the "terribleness" of it is all in their heads. Never have I known someone to start using cloth, cloth that they really like - I am not talking your grandma's diaper pins and rubber pants. I mean good quality items that you pull out of the dryer all clean and want to put up to your face to enjoy the warm freshness. Trust me, other fluffy moms (yes, that is the correct term) know what I mean. I have never known someone to start and not love it. Sure, it takes a little extra work. But what can I say, I love me a big bottomed baby! And it is so easy these days, and saves sooo much money! I should add it all up someday. The approximate amount I have saved in the last 4 or so years of using cloth. I also get a lot of "I could never do that" or "Is it really gross to change?" I personally think that you never know unless you try. And many places do let you try. They have sample packs you can pay a small price to use for a month. And you know what, disposable diapers are not all roses and sunshine to change. You are going to find baby poop under your fingernails either way at some point. Just give them a good scrubbing and move on. And I personally find cleaning poop off cotton a whole lot less gross then poop mixed with chemical sitting next to my babies skin. And those gross little beads that make it out of the disposable diaper all the time? Maybe it is just me, but the thought of those getting inside my baby girls delicate parts makes me shudder.

Another decisively "hippie" thing about me...have you noticed that the definition of "hippie" has changed in the last 30 or so years? It used to suggest drug use and long  hair. Now it just means you make your own shampoo...(which I actually do), buy organic and wear long skirts. I am a next generation hippie. Hippie2.0 if you will....

Ah, I lost my train of thought. I know the restaurant is closing in 10 minutes. And although there is no hope of me finishing this post tonight it is still stressing me out.

Back to the subject - the next "granola mom" thing I do is I don't give my babies any baby-food. Now think about it, years ago they had no way to puree baby food. Mash it good with a fork or grind it with a rock maybe, but actually puree it? Nope. No strained carrots or chicken paste were given to babies. They just got bits of what the grown-ups ate when they were big enough to grab it for themselves. Now I am not saying that giving baby-food is wrong. I believe it is a parenting choice, much in the same line as using cloth diapers. But it is something that I have chosen not to do. I think the technical term for what I do is "baby led weaning" It is the idea that when babies are ready for real food, they will eat real food. Giving them pureed food just makes the whole "chewing, swallowing" thing take longer to learn. Instead they learn that when food goes in, it automatically goes down the hatch. I personally think teaching this is a bit of a choking hazard. I do bits of things first. Cheerios, bits of avocado, bits of banana (which was The Monkey's first food) and if they are not ready for it yet, they push it right back out of their mouth. So I wait another week or two and try again. I knew the moment my babies were ready for real food. There was no guess-work involved. And while they occasionally gag on things that get in the way. They have never once choked on anything (and by the grace of God never will) because they are used to "chewing" before they swallow. If it can't be chewed, it doesn't get swallowed.

I wish I could say that I made my own baby clothes - That is something that I have yet to do. But someday.

I also do not really co-sleep. I wish I did. I wish I could. But I get very little sleep and I wake up the next morning with a headache from not moving all night. I do answer my babies call during the night - not sure that goes into this category or not. But I don't night wean until after a year old. They are only tiny once, I really don't want to rush through it. I think that is probably why I am so relaxed about everything you are "supposed" to do as mom of a baby. Like "start veggies first so they don't get a sweet tooth." Which I think is ridiculous. Or "Baby should be sleeping through the night by 4-5 months." It goes so fast, why would I rush it? And tired as I may be, sometimes 3 am is the only time I just get to rock my baby without interruption. And that I hold onto. Whenever my house is a mess and my baby is smiling happily in my arms I always think of this poem:

Mother, oh Mother, come shake out your cloth,
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing and butter the bread,
Sew on a button and make up a bed.

Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She’s up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.
Oh, I’ve grown shiftless as Little Boy Blue
(Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
(Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo).

The shopping’s not done and there’s nothing for stew
And out in the yard there’s a hullabaloo
But I’m playing Kanga and this is my Roo.
Look! Aren’t her eyes the most wonderful hue?
(Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).

The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
For children grow up, as I’ve learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.
I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.     - Ruth Hulburt Hamilton

"Her only sin is arrogance"

"Her only sin is arrogance"

I am about to say something that is not really allowed, well - is not politically correct. For those that know me, this will be no surprise. For those that don't, feel free to shake your head in embarrassment for me. For you see, I do not really fit the mold and I have often said some taboo stuff. I'll admit, at times it is for the reaction, though I try to be sensitive to those around me. But I have some pretty strong opinions and some of my opinions come in the form of "this is not something you should waste your energy getting mad about". So consider yourself fair-warned!

Ready?

I, Sarah Bethuel, have high self-esteem. Oh yes, I said it.

And you know what else? I do not have it because someone built it for me. I have high self-esteem because I had to work hard as a kid. I was forced to complete tasks that were hard. I did it. I felt good about myself because of the things I worked hard to accomplish. I also have high self-esteem because I was taken seriously, my concerns were listened to and not discarded as "childish." I have high self-esteem because there were times when I was growing up when I was told to entertain myself. So I learned to be in control of the world around me, instead of just waiting for life to happen, and growing upset at the world when I discovered I had been missing it as I waited. I have high self-esteem because I wanted it, so I went out and got it. I have high self-esteem because as soon as I was tall enough to reach the buttons, I did my own laundry. Because as soon as I could reach the drain, I did the dishes. Because I was expected to finish the things that I started, even if that thing was simply a board game I was losing. And I lost, a lot. I have high self-esteem because I was always told I could do anything I set my mind to. I was told that there would always be people standing in my way and that there would always be people cheering me on. I also knew that if I sat around on my behind all day whining, that those same people would tell me to get up and work for the things that I wanted.  

From the time I was small, I can remember not wanting to be famous. I am not entirely sure if that was a true desire of mine, or if it was just a rebellion against an insignificant friend that wanted fame and fortune. I remember thinking "if I am someday rich, I want to give my money away or I will become someone I don't like." Now, I am not saying this to toot my own horn. And I want you, dear reader, to know that none of this post is to do that - nor is it about anyone or to prove any kind of metaphorical point. You see, I have found that in this society it is really common to put yourself down. I believe that more people have high self-esteem them admit it because if you say "I hate my life! I hate myself!" that people will tell you that you are just fine, that you are a wonderful person. That "everything will be ok and to hang in there." But if you say "I love what I have done!" you are criticized for not being humble or compliant enough.

I would like to take a moment and disagree - ok, not really disagree, but perhaps take a stand. It is ok to like what you do. I will go out on a limb and say it is a good thing! It is ok to tell people about an accomplishment and accept the compliments as genuine. It is ok to go out and strive for what you want. It is ok to take a stand for what you believe in. It is ok to look in the mirror and smile, happy at what you have become because of your hard work.

But you see, there is another side to this. And again this is the side that we don't talk about.

It is not ok to be lazy. It is not ok to constantly talk about your dreams and never do a damn thing to get there. It is not ok to put others down in order to feel ok about yourself. It is not ok to put yourself down in order to receive compliments. It is not ok to look in the mirror, disgusted at what you have become and feel completely powerless to change that.

Alright - I am a pretty direct person. So I am going to go one further - ready?

It is ok to feel like your life is not going anywhere - but still be working towards your goals. It is ok to be frustrated with where you are, so long as that frustration does not define you. It is ok to have dreams you know you will never achieve, so long as you also have ones you know you will. It is ok to look in the mirror, disgusted at what you have become and then look yourself in the eyes and claim "this is not who I want to be, and I intend to change it." And DO it.

I was listening in on a conversation recently about the Dugger family - you know, the one with a million kids? Well I will admit, I have never really seen their show. I know very little about them. But someone who I do not know started going on about how "it is impossible to spend quality time with that many kids." Now, I come from a bigg-ish family. Not 19-20 (how many kids does she have?) by any means. But there were 5 kids which made it 7 in the house. I heard this comment and, know-it-all that I am (that is another thing entirely from high self-esteem and something God and I are working on) I had to chime in.

My answer was that we as a society are far to concerned with high self-esteem. Sure, spending quality time is important as a family. But I personally believe is has been very over-exaggerated and as a result has created a lot of damaging guilt. Think about it, in the old days (for lack of a better term) there was no time to "spend quality time." You simply lived life together. You baked bread together, you jarred fruits and veggies, you worked the earth, you cleaned the house, did the dishes, folded laundry, took care of the animals. You celebrated together when the tree you planted together produced it's first fruit, you danced together in the evening when the day's work was complete.

My beloved 4 year old has had a hard time lately with her chores. I will ask her to do even a simple task and I hear "but it is going to be hard for me!" Well, yeah. Life is hard. But you know what? If I sit with her, hold her hand, tell her how amazing she is, how special she is, how proud I am of her and how "this is easy!" as she sits on her bed and pouts. Then one by one, help her to put her toys away - at the end she has an inflated view of who she is and has not accomplished diddly squat. So call me a harsh mom. But I KNOW she can do this on her own. You know how I know? Because if she is told she can have icecream as soon as the toys are put away it is done in 3.5 seconds. But there is not ice cream everyday. Some days she just has to do the hard work. And while I will tell her that she can be hard worker if she chooses to be and I KNOW she can do it, she gets no pity or praise from me until the work is done. And the work gets done, and she does it all by herself because in life there are no short-cuts. And I know, she is only 4. So I will be there when she needs me. I can make suggestions ("are all your books put away yet?") when she gets stuck.  I will have a smile (most of the time) as I tell her that "I know the work is hard, but I also know that you can do it if you work hard. Here is a hug and a kiss, now go do the rest of the job I have given you" And when the work is done, I cannot tell you the joy that is on my little girl's face and she runs out of her room, shouting "Mama! My room is all clean!" And oh we celebrate together!

THAT my friends is how you build self esteem. And you know what? It works on grown-ups too. We may fuss and pout and stamp our feet, yelling to our Daddy God that "It is not fair!" and "This is going to be hard for me, it is going to hurt!" And you know what God says?

Yes. It is hard. It is going to take everything in you. But I will never leave you, I will never forsake you. Now quite whining and go get dirty. Because there is not ice cream everyday. And this is the job I have given you.

There are no short-cuts. No shoving our junk under the bed is allowed. But oh when the job is complete? I cannot even tell you the joy. The REAL true God-given joy. He runs as fast as he can and he celebrates with us!

Matthew 11:28-30

American Standard Version (ASV)

 ²⁸ Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

But the labor comes first...