Monday, August 30, 2010

Not Suitable for Children!

10 My lover spoke and said to me,
       "Arise, my darling,
       my beautiful one, and come with me.  Song of Solomon 2:10

Oh great - Google is going to have a field day with that title!  Have I mentioned one of my hobbies is finding myself on google?  It is really easy.  This blog pops up a lot when people are searching for the quotes I use.  "I eat my peas with honey" is the most popular one people look for that Google directs here.  But back to my is my warning - adult content included...if you are under age or you would rather not think of me as a fully functioning adult I would advice you skip this post. 

Wait....first I need coffee!

Ah, that is better! Now, as most of you know...if you are in conversation with me for any length of time there is a very good chance that the subject of sex will eventually come up.    I have not decided if it is because I enjoy talking about it, or if for other people, it is refreshing talking to someone who is 100% comfortable with any and all subjects.  In these many conversations I have had, I have discovered something; being 100% comfortable talking about sex is not normal, it is not something that most people generally are...yet it is something that people long for.

Let me go back a little...for those of you that have conversations with me regularly you know all can skip this part.  I grew up home schooled....but not your average ultra conservative sheltered home-schooler.    I have been called a hippy in how I raise my kids and some of my more eccentric ideas.  I get them all from my wonderful mother!  I cannot remember a time in my life where I didn't know "where babies come from."  This conversation was as normal to me when I was a kid as "why is the grass green" or "why are cats different then dogs?" By the time I was a "grown up" I can honestly say that I had no questions.  I knew all the facts...all of them. But unlike some kids that grow up so engulfed in the Christian church as I did...there was nothing in relation to this information that was dirty, disgusting or bad in any way.  I was taught to respect sex.  It is powerful, perhaps one of the most powerful things in this world.  I was taught what the Bible teaches...that sex between a man and his wife is one of the most beautiful, exciting things to be celebrated.  Just read Song of Solomon, those lovers exulted in each other!  And I love the language in it.  Written for "Lover and Beloved."  I was also taught that once a man and woman have had sex, they are man and wife in God's eyes.  True, the paper is important.  But it is not the piece of paper which makes you married.  It is the joining of Two, the Becoming One.    I was taught that dating around was practicing for divorce, that sleeping around was adultery.    But sex between those that are now One?  Amazing!  But what happens when Oneness gets torn apart?  A heart that has joined ripped and forced into one-ness with someone else?  What happens to this heart when it happens over and over again?  I would say the result is catastrophic, emotionally and physically.  Now, please...I am not trying to create any holier then thou stigma.  But as always, I will be honest, truly me and boldly speak what I believe. where is this post going?  Are you all rolling your eyes saying "oh there she goes, Sarah is talking about sex AGAIN!"  Heehee...well....yes!  I am, because it is a part of who I am.  That is the whole purpose of this blog right?  To be Me, to write of my life and of course to entertain you.  And admit are reading this very closely.  We always do when sex is the subject! 

Alright.  I am going to brag for a moment.  I have an AMAZING sex life.  I wont go into detail...because, well that is none of your business!  But lets just say every time I think it is the best I have ever had it just gets better.  I give much of the credit to my truly wonderful amazing husband.  But I will reserve some of it for myself as well.  I really feel like Oneness is one of the best gifts God has given us.  And I think it is also one of the reasons my marriage has stayed as strong as it is.   There is no question in my mind that God loved sex!  Come this:

16 Awake, north wind,
       and come, south wind!
       Blow on my garden,
       that its fragrance may spread abroad.
       Let my lover come into his garden
       and taste its choice fruits.
Can anyone argue it?  It is only lies that have made it a dirty disgusting thing.  According to God it is beauty incarnate.  

I have often thought that I would enjoy being a sex therapist.  But I don't think I would ever be hired as one.  I am too honest.  I would have trouble listening to someone destroying their hearts by searching and "experimenting" and not tell them that they are killing themselves emotionally.  I don't think I would get very many repeat costumers!  But a sex therapist for people in a dedicated relationships?  I think I could do that.  I love having conversations with dear friends before their weddings.  I love speaking to them after!  I love being able to celebrate with those that I love when they get to experience Oneness with their Beloved. the Beloved Solomon?  So is he calling himself "Beloved?" Or is it the other way around...I have never been able to tell.  Are the titles there like a play?  Lover: this-is-what-I-am-saying. Or is it like a letter?  Lover: and-this-is-what-I-am-saying-to-my-lover.  I am sure it can be looked up.  Ah well, maybe I will do that later.

I have some pretty clear ideas of what makes a good marriege.  Perhaps I will go into them all someday.  But know that are always growing and changing.  So what I would tell you today could be different tomorrow and would almost absolutely be different for someone else.  All I can say is what I have experiounced for myself or viewed in other people .  So as always, take what I say with a grain of salt and know I am ever learning. 

But I think what I will always hold as truth:  marriage is not 50/50.  I have heard it called as much so many times.  Most recently on the Cosby Show.   It can't be 50/50.  If it is then I would say you will always be only 50% of what you could be.  I will argue that marriage is 100/100/100.  100% to your spouse and 100% to God.  It has to be.  Think about it, if I am only ever giving 50% of myself to my spouse...then what am I doing with the other 50%?  Keeping it for myself?  That attitude will create an atmosphere of "who has it worse" battles.  I hate those battles. I would argue that if both are giving 100% then both will always be receiving 100% and therefore you are always complete.  The 100% to God is a have to be.  Or you will not have 100% of yourself to give to your spouse.   I put my priorities this way:  God, husband, children.  Yes, my kids come last.  And notice that myself is not on there.  Why?  Because my husband also goes God/wife/kids.  Which means between the two if us we are both covered.  He watches the kids once a week so I can go off by myself and regroup.  I watch the kids one evening a week so he can do the same.  We help one another with emotional and physical needs.  We are supplying the self for one another.  We are One.  True we are still individuals, but because of our Oneness we are We as One.  Together.  There is no selfishness involved, we understand what is important for our Us and our I and we make it so.   Is this making any sense?  Kids come last because that way they get two complete parents.  That is healthiest for them.  Now, keeping things this way is a daily thing.  We can't ever stop working at it.  Sometimes we are good at it.  Sometimes one or both of us fail and we have to have a conversation and start again.  But we always can start again.  And let me tell you - nothing completes a good conversation like a spectacular finish if you get my drift!!!

Oh goodness...I had more to say, as always.  But this is getting long.  So for now I shall sign off.  Perhaps later I shall share my list of "tips" I often share with those that are unfortunate enough to be in my radar before they become matrimonially involved.  To end I shall share more with you from my favorite book of the Bible:

Chapter 5: 3 I have taken off my robe—
       must I put it on again?
       I have washed my feet—
       must I soil them again?
 4 My lover thrust his hand through the latch-opening;
       my heart began to pound for him.
 5 I arose to open for my lover,
       and my hands dripped with myrrh,
       my fingers with flowing myrrh,
       on the handles of the lock.

I swear, this is straight from the Bible!!

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

August 2010

I need to fold laundry.   I don't want to fold laundry.  So I am avoiding folding laundry by writing on here. 

This week has been a week of change.  It feels like this house is finally becoming ours again.  I was a recluse last week.  I apologize to any and all I may have avoided.  It was not you, it truly was me.  I needed to be alone.  A few months of never ever being by myself and I felt it took a tremendous amount of energy to be around people.  I think I have recovered some this week.

This week Taylor started real school.  Well, as real as a 4 year old can handle anyhow.  She gets picked up by Grandma at 7:30am.  Sits in the school office for 15 minutes coloring then goes to her classroom at 8.  She has pre-kindergarten from 8:30 until 12:00 and then home for lunch and a rest time.  It has been a little hard on her.  She is not used to having school for any more then 2 days a week and everything being new (new teacher, new students, new classroom, new school, new routine) she has been a little out of sorts.  And when big sister is out of sorts so is Ayla.  So it has been an adjustment for all.  I am hoping that next week is a little easier for all. 

See my big school girl?

Sooooo big!  4 years old.  She picked out the shirt and skirt herself.  Sunday before school started her and I went out together.  She got a hair-cut, we shared a cookie and hot chocolate at Panara and she picked out a new outfit to wear the next day.  So fun to have Mama and Taylor dates.  We are going to have to start having those more often.  I am not used to not having my Taylor around all the time.  It is weird!  But she is already excited for Saturday so she can be home.  The girl still likes being with mom and dad!  I'm glad.  Not ready for her to be THAT grown up yet!

I have a few pictures that have been lying around so I shall make this a picture post.  Ready?

Playing dress-up.  Isn't she just too cute for words? She picked these clothes out all by herself.

Of course big sister is not to be out-done!

Now - a story.  Once upon a time.  There was a little girl who's name was Ayla.  Ayla was usually a very good little girl, but she had a stinker streak that was a mile wide.  Now, one night Ayla's mother told her it was time to go to bed.  Ayla decided she did not want to go to bed.  Ayla's mother should have known, this little girl was waaay too awake and she was being waaay too quiet....

  You see, Ayla had gotten a hold of a black marker.  And she thought it would be very funny to pretend it was lipstick.  Since she was all by herself in her bed, her mother never suspected a thing until she woke up the next morning and hardly recognized her once clean little girl.  What was the poor mother to do?  But take lots of pictures to later show Ayla's friends when she is 16...

Of course this mother is also one of those mothers that is true to her word when it comes to consequences for un-acceptable behavior.  Ayla knew this, but sometimes she forgot.  She may have had fun drawing all over everything...but she also got to clean every last bit of it up!

Maybe....just maybe she will think twice before drawing on her walls again!

On another note - we took out our sunflowers the other night as many of you know.  It took about an hour to cut and clear them all.  The girls stayed pretty far away the whole time because of the wasps.  But Taylor was over-joyed when Daddy found something fun and insisted on holding it.  Much to my surprise!

The poor frog!  I am not 100% sure it survived.  But oh Taylor was so excited!  We put it in the garden so it could eat slugs and grasshoppers. 

Ah me - MUST I do laundry?  We could all wear our underwear another day right?  Oh fine!  I shall sign off.  Hope you enjoyed my pictures.  I shall write to more length soon.  I think I need another regular writing day.  Any ideas on what day it should be?

But for now...may all your freckles be spotted and your frogs full of tasty slugs!

Friday, August 13, 2010

Just because...

So have been awarded a Versatile Blogger Award!  I always wanted an award!  My lovely friend Mary nominated me.  I also highly recommend her blog if you love reading the profound typing's of a truly real person.  

My nominations?  Ahh...let me see...I think I shall nominate two of my dear mom friends.  All You Need is Love and I Am Content(e) . Keep the ball rolling ladies!  Come on, it's fun!

So I am supposed to tell you all 7 random things about me. Ready?

1.  I am arrogant - But I will always humbly admit it when I am truly wrong.

2.  I hate cliche's and assumptions.  I am here as the exception to the rule wherever I can safely manage it, whether it is or no.

3.  One of my favorite things about being a mom is having an excuse to read fairy tales and nursery rhymes all day.  

4. I am a realist.  I don't sugar coat, what you see is what you get. I have been called harsh, stuck-up, hard hearted, intimidating, hard to read, eccentric and slightly over the top.  Part of me is so very proud of this reputation.  Part of me is very ashamed as I know much of it explains someone very young who just needs to get over themselves and learn to be at peace with their world. I have accepted that I am always a work in progress, these are not things to be proud of - but these traits were also given to me for a reason.  So all I can do is forever work to become the person God wants me to be while still being genuine to ME and wait - truly with baited breath, for whatever task is next set before me.  I don't feel as if I fit in in this world.  Luckily I was not made for this world.

5. I love singing, but every time I do it now I just get frustrated.  I used to be really good, I am no longer a shadow of what I was.  Too many years of not doing it for hours a day.  I am always telling myself I need to start again, but so far it hasn't happened.  I also love acting - but I have always been mediocre at best at that.  

6. I have problems finishing big things.  Not really sure why, there is probably some psychological reason for it.  It took me almost 9 years to get my drivers license.  I had one class to complete my BA when I finished 4 years at a UC.  6 years later I still have not finished it, but now I have 6 classes to complete.  My laundry is always half done...of course that could just be the mother-of-small-children thing and have nothing to do with my psyche. 

And lastly....

7.  We can't all and most of us don't and that is all there is to it.  - Eeyore

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

so very heavy

When the weight of all my dreams
Is resting heavy on my head,
And the thoughtful words of health and hope
Have all been nicely said.
But I'm still hurting,
Wondering if I'll ever be
The one I think I am.
I think I am....

Funny how dreams are heavy things.  We often times can only bear the weight of our dreams because  those that love us are manually holding our heads up for us.  Sometimes the weight bearing down from all sides means all we can see is the dirt under our feet, and there seems to be no hope that the sky above is blue and open and free.  

Yes, dreams are heavy.  I have dealt with my own heavy dreams - and been there for the dreams of others.  But for the moment I feel I am the only one doing the holding and it is a completely different kind of hard.  you see, I can see the sky.  I can see the road.  I can even see the end of the road where there is rest and peace and a place to lay the heavy head.  I can see the pain yes, I can see how hard it is.  But I can also see that how hard it is now, is nothing compared to how hard it will be in another mile...or ten.  So for now I walk.  Somehow - through all this, I am supposed to know when to keep holding and when to let go?  When to carry and when to simply walk alongside and make small little nudges to keep my charge as firmly on the path as I can.  And the big question; when do I stop walking?  Do I ever stop walking?  Is there ever a time when I give a hug, hand over the reigns and say "I love you, I will always be here.  But it is time for you to walk alone." How will I know?

Geneva moved out today.  We don't yet know if it is for good.  Her reasons to us sounded meaningless but I know they make sense to her.  Her reasons could be solved in one 10 minute conversation, a conversation that for some reason it did not even occur to her to have.   I don't understand.  Am I daft? Am I so comfortable with confrontation that I can not even wrap my mind around those that run from it at all cost - even the cost of their own life? Perhaps I am too comfortable and that is a bad thing.  Is avoiding it normal and I am the odd one?  Or am I 100% off the mark and there is more there that we are not aware of?  I suppose we shall see, we talked and she has until Friday to choose to move back in.  I love her so very much and I want to give her as good a chance as I possibly can.  But that means letting her go if I need too, though I hope I don't need too.  Perhaps I am exaggerating the situation. But I know she is safe here, and it is a lions den out there.  All she can see is the ground under her feet, and all she knows is that it gets worse then it already is.   I know there is sky and green ahead. But somehow, she can't hear that. It is up to her now.  Yes or no.  If she chooses no; that is a forever no.  We will not offer again. 

Thank you God for resting kids.  I feel sick to my stomach.  My heart is truly broken that she would just up and walk away.  Didn't we mean more to her?  Alright - I know that is not fair.  But the child in me has hurt feelings.  The dreams are getting heavier.  I have held them now for 3 months.  I will hold them for years to come if she asks.  But I can't do it without her help.  If she is running away I can't follow, my babies need me.  My babies need a whole mom.  I feel broken today.  God help me. God help me to do what is best.  God help me to say what is most helpful.  Speak through me and to me.  God, thank you that I can cry now and you are with me.  Thank you that I can be alone.  Thank you that when my babies wake I will be ok and have peace.  But for now?  Thank you for tears. 

Then you gently re-remind me
That you've made me from the first,
And the more I try to be the best
The more I get the worst.

And I realize the good in me,
Is only there because of who you are.

Who you are...

And all I ever have to be
Is what you've made me.
Any more or less would be a step
Out of your plan.

As you daily recreate me,
Help me always keep in mind
That I only have to do
What I can find.

And all I ever have to be
All I have to be
All I ever have to be
Is what you've made me.
- Amy Grant

Monday, August 2, 2010

Twosday? Toosday? Tosday? No...that is not right...right?

"You can't help respecting anyone who can spell Tuesday...even if he doesn't spell it right." ~Rabbit

 Sadly - I cannot spell...of course my dear readers know this all too well.  I am discouraged today.  Many of you know I have been on a mission to complete my bachelors degree.   I was very encouraged while calling APU at first.  I  spoke to my department head and while reviewing my file he said that nothing had changed in the COMM major and all I would have left to complete was the math requirement I was originally missing.  I spoke to the registrar and was told that yes, the math and also a year of language is now needed (which I expected).  You need 126 units to graduate.  I have completed 125.  But it was looking like things were going well...until they refused to call me back for well over a month.  My councilor said that there was a new requirement, that a certain amount of your last units HAD to be taken through APU.  I couldn't just take the classes at a JC and transfer them.  I told him to look into it and let me know - while making it very clear that I don't live there anymore.  Unless they are willing to work with me, let me take classes either online or correspondence my hands are tied.  I cannot come onto campus to take classes.  He said he would find the answer and call back....and so I waited.  Called them 2-3 times as I waited to see how things were going and no one could ever answer my questions...always said they would call me back.  Never did. 

Well - I came home after a weekend away to a letter from APU.  Informing me that to complete my degree I now need the math, the year of language and NOW I also need COMM 430, 440, 450 and Presentational Speaking (though they think that my advanced acting might count for that).  Huh?  Why are they telling me this now?  What changed?  And, they were sure to add that 18 of my last 24 units have to be taken AT apu.  Well, all those classes (not counting the one they think I can wave) makes 17 units.  So all of them have to be taken AT apu?  Ummm....yeah not going to happen! 

So tell me, where does that leave me now?  And yes, I know.  Much of this is my fault.  I did wait 6 years after all to complete this.  But to finally have the time and motivation to get it all finished and basically be told it is impossible is very frustrating!  I suppose I will call them this afternoon and see what they say.  I know the squeaky wheel gets the grease and if I am persistent enough there is a chance they will try to work with me.  But oh I am tired just thinking of it.   Does anyone have any tips?  Has anyone one else gone through anything like this?  Am I alone?  Am I really the only one who cannot spell Tuesday? 

On a happier note...we had a prayer answered this weekend!  A few weeks ago, I was coming off of a hard day of carting people around, dropping Ryan off at work, taking other people other places only to have to take Geneva home again before I get Ryan for lunch because we cannot all fit into the frustration I remember praying; "Oh God can't a car that fits us all just drop into my lap!  It would make all this so much easier!"  Of course after praying something like that I cannot do anything but laugh at ludicrous would that be after all!  Well, we were visiting Ryan's grandparents in San Diego this last weekend and as we were sitting at lunch (in the middle of the zoo no less!) His grandpa asks him "so, Ryan - would you like to have my car?"  Ummmm....huh?  This is not a question you typically hear from someone.  But yes, they have decided to get a new one and thought we might have use for another car.  YES!  It is a '94 Buick.  MAJOR granny car.  But I will rock my granny car! It is very comfy and in good shape.  Only thing is we have to get it cleaned because it smells very strongly of smoke.  But that is certainly doable!  Isn't it amazing when those prayers we pray...never really expecting them to be answered...are so completely answered?  A car fell into my lap!  Now, it is not the car I would have chosen...but when are these prayers ever answered how we think they will be?  I am very excited regardless of what kind or how old.  It works and it will seat all of us...I am blissfully happy, blessed beyond reason and so very thankful! We will go and get it in a few soon as we have the time to do so.  Yay!

Ah me...the movie is done. I must sign off.  I will write more later this week.  Much love to you all.